NCAA Football

College Football Top 25: Snap Judgments And Sarcastic Comments For Each Team!

Each week, we’ll bring you the AP’s college football rankings, and throw in our patented mix of bitchy sarcastic analysis and incredibly premature snap judgements. Enjoy!

1. Alabama (45)

In the weekend’s marquee game, the Crimson Tide dominated Michigan in every facet of the game, emerging with a 41-14 win. Regrettably, Nick Saban chose to punish the defense for allowing a touchdown at the end of the first half by feeding cornerback Dee Milliner to the sarlacc in his office. Milliner will be missed.

2. USC (11)

The Trojan’s pro-style offense professionally picked Hawaii apart 49-10. Let’s hope any pro-style compensation they receive is kept hush-hush.

3. LSU (4)

Although new quarterback Zach Mettenberger was a tepid 19-26 for 192 yards, LSU doesn’t need great quarterback play to be an elite squad. It’s strange that like Alabama they won 41-14 in a game with Dallas connections, but that’s Les Miles for you. Always following the status quo.

4. Oregon

I can officially report that Oregon’s offense is still explosive. The defense? Also explosive. They beat Arkansas State 57-34, and yes, their uniforms looked ridiculous.

5. Oklahoma

The Sooners looked incredibly shaky against UTEP, stumbling to a 24-7 victory that should not have been so close. It might be too early to say this, but it seems like Oklahoma might not be OK this season. (I’ll show myself out).

6. Florida State

The Seminoles had seven rushing touchdowns and ran over an overmatched Murray State squad 69-3. With the way they raced past the Racers, how are they going to beat other teams on their schedule? Are they going to gang tackle especially well against NC State? Are they going to bully South Florida? Are they going to send Wake Forest to hell?

7. Georgia

Although a 45-23 win over Buffalo is a whelming result, freshman Todd Gurley gave the Bulldogs reason for optimism, pairing 100 yards rushing and 2 touchdowns (on 8 carries) with a 100-yard kickoff return for a touchdown. It appears that Mark Richt is once again positioning Georgia to be the least relevant great SEC school.

8. Arkansas

Their 49-24 win over Jacksonville State served as a reminder that Tyler Wilson is still the best quarterback in the SEC. Maligned as he is, Bobby Petrino should at least get some credit for that.

9. South Carolina (tie)

A strong running attack pushed the Gamecocks past Vanderbilt 17-13, but their inability to do anything in the passing game is certainly cause for concern. The Ol’ Ball Coach sees you Mark Richt, and he would like you to know that he too has an awesome SEC squad that no one will ultimately care about.

9. West Virginia (tie)

The Mountaineers opened the season with a 69-34 victory worthy of their new Big 12 colleagues. In fact, they are so committed to matching the Big 12 aesthetic that their defense may not even dress against James Madison next week.

11. Michigan State

Thanks to 210 yards rushing and 2 touchdowns from Le’Veon Bell, the Spartans emerged with a 17-13 win over Boise State. Bell’s performance entered him into the Heisman discussion, as well as the discussion about how many video game moves he could make in one game.

12. Clemson

They earned a 26-19 win behind 231 rushing yards from Andre Ellington. DeAndre Hopkins added 13 receptions, meaning this offense could be truly terrifying when Sammy Watkins returns from suspension. Unfortunately, the scourge of tiger-on-tiger violence does not appear to be abiding.

13. Wisconsin

The Badgers beat Northern Iowa 26-21, thanks to 120 yards from Montee Ball and a solid debut from quarterback Danny O’Brien. UNI is a good FCS school, but Wisconsin might want to think about toning down their Midwestern hospitality. This is a game they need to win by 3 touchdowns.

14. Ohio State

Braxton Miller had a monstrous game for the Buckeyes, passing for 207 yards and rushing for another 161 en route to a 56-10 win over Miami (OH). Urban Meyer attempted to smile after the game, but no one reported seeing his face move.

15. Virginia Tech

The Hokies beat Georgia Tech 20-17 in an overtime game that showcased everything ACC football has to offer (stagnant offense, punting, the opposite of everything the SEC does). Can we just have VT ranked #15 for the rest of eternity? It’s where they belong.

16. Nebraska

With 354 passing yards and 5 touchdowns from Taylor Martinez, the Cornhuskers beat USM 49-20. This was especially impressive because the most common reaction upon seeing Martinez throw a football is, “Has he ever thrown a football before?”

17. Texas

Thanks to more than 100 yards rushing from both Joe Bergeron and Malcolm Brown, the Longhorns beat Wyoming 37-17. Quarterback David Ash was didn’t do much, but I like to imagine he whispers, “Gotta catch em’ all,” to himself whenever a receiver drops a pass.

18. Oklahoma State

The Cowboys scored 84 points on Savannah State this weekend, while Savannah State scored $385,000. That’s all you need to know.

19. Michigan

Alabama didn’t just dominate the Wolverines this weekend, they made Denard Robinson irrelevant. On the bright side, now that they’ve left Dallas, Jeremy Gallon (who wears #10) won’t have to hear any more ten-gallon hat jokes.

20. TCU

The Horned Frogs think they’re better than the rest of the Big 12, so they didn’t play last weekend. They will play Grambling State on Saturday.

21. Kansas State

Thanks to 42 second-half points, the Wildcats rolled to an easy 51-9 victory. Now that Missouri’s move to the SEC has ended the Border War with Kansas, it’s nice to see Kansas State and Missouri State stepping in to fill the void. What’ll they call it though? The Perimeter Scrum? The Neighborly Tussle?  The Boundary Skirmish?

22. Notre Dame

The Fighting Irish displayed cool superiority all over the field, beating Navy 50-10 in what was ultimately a dull game. More importantly, did you know that even though this game was in Ireland, the Fighting Irish were not the home team? That is nonsense of the highest of order.

23. Louisville

The Cardinals’ balanced attack helped them beat Kentucky 32-14. In addition, I’d like to enter their quarterback Teddy Bridgewater into the Heisman discussion, because there is no better name than Teddy Bridgewater.

24. Florida

Unveiling a more tough-minded offense that led to a career-high 148 rushing yards and 2 touchdowns from Mike Gillislee, the Gators beat Bowling Green 27-14 in the Urban Meyer Bowl. The winner of the Urban Meyer Cup will be determined by a not-yet-scheduled matchup with Utah.

25. Stanford

With an utterly unexceptional 20-17 win over San Jose State, it appears that the post-Andrew Luck Cardinal will look a lot like the pre-Andrew Luck Cardinal.

Also receiving votes: Kellen Moore, rescheduling games, rebuilding, reloading, Dublin, cheerleader tackling drills, Memorial Day, Penn State surnames, wrong way runs, Jungle Bird, Mississippi State entrances.

Agree? Disagree? Be sure to follow Dan Spritz on Twitter, and write shouty, all-caps tweets at him about why his writeup for your favorite team is wrong.