Louisville Will Hire Bobby Petrino As Its Head Football Coach, Again — What Are They Thinking?
Proving once again that people prefer to be with the bad guy who rides a motorcycle and cheats on us rather than the nice dude with a good job who is maybe just a bit too into Enya, Louisville is getting back together with Bobby Petrino after losing coach Charlie Strong to Texas, according to Joe Schad. This will be Petrino’s third stint at Louisville (and second as head coach).
The last time we thought about Bobby Petrino, he was tucking his wayward penis back into his khakis in an attempt at redemption in Western Kentucky. How did a very successful coach find himself in such a humiliating situation? Let’s rewind the tape to see how Petrino went from first-rate football coach to this being the first picture that pops up when you Google him?
1. Named head coach of Louisville football program in 2003 after spending one year as Auburn’s offensive coordinator.
2. Secretly interviews for head coaching position at Auburn after just one year with Louisville but isn’t given the job.
3. Turns Louisville into national power with multiple double-digit win seasons. After the third year at Louisville, receives massive 10-year, $25.6 million contract extension.
4. One year after signing extension, leaves Louisville for Atlanta Falcons head coaching job.
5. Royally sucks in Atlanta, partially thanks to Michael Vick’s indefinite suspension for exactly 13 games.
6. Quits the Falcons in the middle of the season by means of leaving a note in each player’s locker. Takes job at Arkansas.
7. Enjoys good four season tenure at Arkansas, going 34-17 and ending his final full season (2011) ranked fifth in the country.
8. Gets in a motorcycle accident in April 2012. Turns out that he had a lady with him at the time of the crash, a detail that he declined to share with the school or his family. Turned out the lady was a former Arkansas volleyball player he had hired to be the student-athlete development coordinator. Turned out he was having an affair with the lady, who was engaged to be married to another Arkansas employee. Gets axed.
9. Goes to Western Kentucky on a four-year deal that he must pay to get out of if he leaves early.
10. Leaves early. Goes back to Louisville.
Sounds like the perfect guy to hire after your previous coach also dipped out early to coach a more prestigious program, leaving the players in the lurch! Seriously though, Louisville — Petrino has cheated on you before. He’s cheated on a lot of people. Leaving teams (and humans) out to dry is how he made his career. You really want to get back into bed with this guy?
As we all know, winning cures the kind of hard feelings that being a lecherous adulterer (both professionally and personally) create, and we’re sure everyone will forget about this in a few years if Petrino gets Louisville into
a BCS bowl the playoffs. But then he’ll probably jump ship to Auburn and make everyone pissed all over again, so, who knows. We wish you luck, Louisville.
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