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Urban Meyer Is Responsible For All Infuriating Sports News

  • Matt Rudnitsky

Urban Meyer Sucks

As I argued passionately (and immaturely, but hey, YOLO) yesterday, Urban Meyer sucks, and needs to shut up.

Today, I’d like to add to my argument, as we’ve had to listen to incessant Riley Cooper “debates” for multiple days now. Riley Cooper went to Florida. Urban Meyer coached Riley Cooper at Florida. And when you look for more of these connections, you will find millions. Because everybody Urban Meyer coaches turns into mind-numbing debate topics.

I begin with his mostly inauspicious time at Utah. I give you, Alex Smith.

He was the quarterback for the obnoxious “Utah’s a small school so they should go die/Utah won every game so let’s give them all the trophies” debate. Then, years later, he provided us with the Jim Harbaugh is wrong/right/stupid/brilliant for benching Alex Smith for Colin Kaepernick, midseason” debate. And if we’re nitpicking — and we are, because Urban Meyer is the Devil — we can even throw in the minor “Alex Smith is the best QB in the NFL” blip from yesterday.

But more importantly, let’s examine his time at Florida. We have:

Janoris Jenkins, haver of red flags and draft-board slipper. Does he have the character to play the cornerback position with integrity in the professional entity that is the National Football League?

Brandon Spikes, eye-gouger, advocate of Santa’s cocaine-and-Jack habit, homophobic-joke-maker, and provoker of Meyer’s idiotic lie that weed suspension = injury.

Aaron Hernandez, alleged murderer. Should the Patriots have known? Is the Patriots way dead? Let’s show you us searching a body of water for 9,000 hours… etc, etc…

Riley Cooper.

Rex Grossman, is he the worst Super-Bowl-appearing quarterback ever? Etc, etc.

Carlos Dunlap, DUI-getter, haver of red-flags and dropping draft stock and anti-Hernandez redemption narrative.

Percy Harvin, coach-fighter like a million times, constant trade-rumor-igniter, cause for “Seahawks will win every Super Bowl ever” talk, and now, “Seahawks are screwed” talk. Oh, and weed.

Cam Newton, who has been debated by media-types.

Tim Tebow, who has been debated by media-types.

Chris Leak, who seemed nice.

The Pouncey twins. Are they just dumb, or the dumbest people alive?

Urban Meyer worked for ESPN. His players fuel ESPN’s regurgitated debate-seepage. Urban Meyer and ESPN are in cahoots. Urban Meyer is ruining sports media, and he’s incepting you all.

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