NFL

10 Things You Can Do This Sunday Instead Of Watching NFL Football

Yes, the replacement refs really sucked, but you already knew that. Sure, Satan probably has a spot reserved somewhere between the 5th and 8th circles of hell for one Roger “Gilgamesh” Goodell, but the league has already settled and the strike is over. Huzzah!

Except, the autumn of discontent tramples on and we, as a nation of NFL sycophants, continue to switch on games every Sunday at noon (gotta get that pregame show). We grouse about the shameful advertisement tie-ins and loud-mouthed talking heads that chortle at every lame pun and only turn somber when Steve Sabol is mentioned. Yes, the real refs are back, but we should have all realized something: Roger Goodell has been trolling us the whole time.

We can avoid all this: let’s just stop watching football, for this Sunday at least. I know this might be hard for some of you, particularly Arizona Cardinals fans (crappy timing, sorry), but we’ll all be better off without it—for one weekend at least, and maybe the fascist in charge of the league will understand he can’t jerk us around without suffering the only consequences he can truly understand: pecuniary ones. Without further ado, here are 10 things you can do this Sunday besides watching the NFL.

1) Catch a matinee of that Bruce Willis movie where Joseph Gordon-Levitt is supposed to play him as a young man. Matinees, if you haven’t been up early enough to remember, are actually cheaper. Bonus points for JGL’s prosthetic nose.

2) Netflix is currently streaming the 4th season of Damages, and nothing says relaxing Sunday afternoon more than a marathon of Rose Byrne and Glenn Close double-dealing each other.

3) Read the paper version of the Sunday Styles section of the New York Times, and maybe they’ll quote someone not from your college.

4) It’s still warm enough out that you could go play football in the park. If you don’t live near a park, you can play in the street. If you don’t live near a street, just play football on some grass and stop being such a stickler because it doesn’t matter where you play football–just that you do.

5) Watch some baseball instead. It’s September, but the new wildcard format means a host of teams are still in contention. The Yankees are on at 1, the Orioles at 1:30, Atlanta at 1:30, Tampa Bay at 2:10, Milwaukee at 2:10, the Dodgers at 4, the..well you get the point. Watch classic September baseball on the cusp of October!

6) Read a book! I know for some of you that might sound like work, but there are plenty of new books to read that are quite enjoyable. Michael Chabon just released the excellently reviewed Telegraph Avenue. Even the Harry Potter scribe wrote some naughty literature for adults.

7) Watch a movie on television. Tombstone is on AMC, and A Bronx Tale followed by E.T. is on ion. Show any prying alien eyes you’re not dependent on Sunday football for your survival.

8) I don’t have any kids, but I’m sure they’d love to play with you instead of listening to you curse your favorite team for not picking up the blitz in time.

9) BBQ a steak on one of the last days of the year when you can grill and drink beer while leaving the hassles and heartache of football behind, for now at least.

10) Treat your girl/boy friend or wife/husband to a Sunday of your undivided company. Go out to brunch without rushing back for the games. Go out to lunch and ignore the TV screen. Your significant other will think you’re showing an interest in them that goes beyond football, when all you’re really doing is screwing Goodell for a day.

You can do this. While you’re enjoying your Sunday off from football and feeling good about yourself, I’ll be watching football and laughing uproariously at the poor suckers that aren’t.