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NFL 11 Awkward Sexual Advances In Sports
Since the dawn of human interaction, the awkward sexual advance has been a time-honored tradition, right up there with the
prolonged job interview fart in the pagoda of painful person-on-person faux pas. But did you know that, in addition to being a mainstay outside your local construction site and just-off-campus keg party, the uncalled-for sexual overture has a proud history in sport?
It’s true! Like any social train wreck worth its salt, misplaced romantic proposals — from men
and women — play out on the grandest sports-related stages, from the sidelines at Sunday Night Football games to the studios of ESPN, for all of the balls-and-bats-loving public to bear witness. We saw one just this week, in fact, when respected L.A. Times columnist/untamed love machine Bill Plaschke told fellow veteran scribe Jackie MacMullan just how hot she was looking on the set of Around the Horn, in the most stilted and awkward of manners. It. Was. Hawt.
In honor of that tender moment, we’re bringing you the most notable and out-of-left-field overtures in sports. So sit back, dim the lights, and relax. Because it’s about to get freaky. And inappropriate.
Emphasis on inappropriate.
1.Kissing Suzy Kolber
The Super Bowl halftime show of cringe-inducing passes -- and one that inspired a
popular blog. It featured former (like, really former) Jets quarterback Joe Namath trying to make a move on ESPN Sunday Night Football reporter Suzy Kolber. When we say "try to make a move," we literally mean Joe Freaking Namath, all 80,000 years of him, tried to smooch with a person holding a microphone while he was being filmed on TV. Behold: it will make you not want to risk hitting on a woman for AT LEAST the next six hours.
CREEPINESS LEVEL: Drunk Uncle.
2.Bravest, Awkwardest Man Ever Professes Love for Cute Sideline Reporter in Front of Everyone
A young lad, fresh off of missing a penalty shot to win a new car or something, told the pretty and beautiful CSN sideline reporter Sarah Kustok
just how pretty and beautiful she was. Then he told her he loved her. IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE SCHOOL. CREEPINESS LEVEL: Declaring your love for Sarah Peters during the school-wide assembly. Which is more of a hail mary than anything else.
3.Bill Plaschke Tells Jackie MacMullan How Hot She is on ESPN
No, Bill Plaschke, you won't get in trouble for this. Nor should you. Because sometimes, you've got to call it like you sees it. Plaschke, the venerable
Times columnist, took it upon himself to tell MacMullan -- someone he's obviously known for quite a while thanks to their frequent Around the Horn appearances and shared occupation -- that she was looking quite attractive that particular day. MacMullan, who usually knows how to respond to things, had no freaking clue how to respond to this thing. CREEPINESS LEVEL: Low, because, again, these two are friends. But we love it for the "I might get in trouble for saying this" lead-in, which knocked up the awkward level ten full notches.
4.The Dugout Tush Grab
All Alex Rodriguez ever wanted to be was Derek Jeter's friend, but, alas, many of his friendship attempts were denied. The tension and frustration from a spurned A-Rod came to a head during the 2009 ALCS, when, after a Jorge Posada home run, A-Rod placed both hands on El Capitan's bum.
Single White Female.
5.Hands in the Cookie Jar
During a 2006 playoff game between the LA Clippers and Denver Nuggets, Clippers big man Chris Kaman pushed Denver's Reggie Evans to the ground for seemingly no reason. Afterwards, though, we'd find out what provoked the outburst: Evans grabbed Kaman by his testicles, and "pulled hard." The unwanted feel would also prompt one of the better
Inside the NBA exchanges of all time. CREEPINESS LEVEL: Cookie Monster.
6.Ladies Do It, Too!
St. Louis TV reporter Julie Tristan took Cardinals' third baseman David Friese to an amusement park, where she
proceeded to interview/sexually harass the hell out of him. CREEPINESS LEVEL: "Come back to my apartment! Just for a sec! I want to show you my bag of cats and window curtains made of wedding dresses!"
7.Greg Jones' Mom: Not a Fan of Greg Jones' New Fiance
An important note: this romantic advance is completely reciprocated, since Greg Jones' new fiance obviously said yes to his proposal. Otherwise, you know, she wouldn't be his fiance. But we had to include this one, which occurred after the Giants' Super Bowl XLVI win, because of Jones' mom's reaction.
Creepiness level: SHE'S NO DAUGHTER OF MINE.
8.The Word of the Day is
Before Mike Tyson's insanity was deadened by prescription meds and packaged to be a pop cultural commodity, it was just raw, unadulterated crazy. Take this interview with
SI's Josie Karp, which was Tyson at his worst. CREEPINESS LEVEL: Hannibal Lecter.
9.Signs, Signs, So Many Penis Signs!
When you host a sports studio show outdoors, you get closer to fans, yes. But you also get closer to their signs about penises. IT'S AS IF THEY'RE FLASHING ALL OF AMERICA.
CREEPINESS LEVEL: ghost penis. [via Mocksession]
10.Any Time Quinton Jackson Talked To A Female Reporter, But Especially This Time
MMA fighter Quinton "Rampage" Jackson humped this poor lady.
CREEPINESS LEVEL: Quagmire.
11.Gregg Popovich and Craig Sager Should Just Get a Room Already
There is no actual sexual advance here -- we're basing this more on the raw, animalistic tension that comes about when one tries to ask Gregg Popovich a question at halftime. As our own Dave Levy put it: "I mean, he's matching the suits to Pop's anger flashes. It's like
Basic Instinct out there." CREEPINESS LEVEL: SILENT BUT EROTIC.