Jerry Jones is the owner, general manager, CEO, President, managing director, head of the board of directors and glory hole king of the Dallas Cowboys, and he’s not going anywhere. Mostly because he won’t fire himself, even if he’s already acknowledged that he would fire himself if he weren’t himself, or something. Disgruntled Cowboys fans are left to stew in their own franchise-appointed misery, relatively powerless to oust the man holding all the cards. So what do you do when you’re unhappy with the direction of your favorite franchise? You petition the White House, of course, at petitions.whitehouse.gov.
“We, the Citizens of the Great State of Texas, and Dallas Cowboys fans worldwide, have been oppressed by an over controlling, delusional, oppressive dictator for way too long. Request the Executive Branch’s immediate assistance in removal of owner and GM, Jerry Jones. His incompetence and ego have not only been an extreme disappointment for way too long, but moreover, it has caused extreme mental and emotional duress.”
Fight the good fight, Steven M. of Fort Benning, Georgia. Though it will take another 24,000+ signatures to grab any sort of White House attention (you need 25,000), President Obama has already lobbied on behalf of sporting good once before with the college football playoffs. So we foresee a high chance of success here. Also important: this is a human rights issue, under which category this petition is most obviously filed.
But the Cowboys are only 5-6 this season, one game out of the final NFC Wild Card spot, so we’d like to remind Steven M. not to give up hope quite yet. Then again, when your franchise has won one playoff game in the past 16 years, “extreme mental and emotional duress” might set in. If the petition doesn’t end up working, Steven can always lock the doors to Cowboys Stadium and throw away the key.