Media MonsterNBANFL

Rick Fox And Kurt Warner To Fill “Slightly Famous Athlete” Quota On “Dancing With The Stars”

The season 11 cast of ABC’s “Dancing with the Stars” has been announced, and it includes former supermarket worker Kurt Warner, and current Eliza Dushku-dater Rick Fox. No word on whether Derek Fisher and Mark Brunell have signed on for season 12.

Here are my picks for the top 5 cast members, complete with the odds for each one winning the whole thing. And yes, a part of me died while writing this.

I’ve taken into account three key factors for any wannabe DWTS champion, based on my extremely basic knowledge of the show, and general habits of sociological compartmentalizing: overall athleticism, level of flamboyancy/charisma, and the underdog factor.

In order to win this tournament, you need to be well-balanced in all three. On to the odds:

1. David Hasselhoff (5 to 1) - The most well-balanced contestant. He seems to be decently-coordinated, and dancing contests are designed to favor dudes with chest hair. This is a scientifically proven fact.

2. Jennifer Grey (8 to 1) – She is an actress who looks to be reasonably athletic, and of whom I’ve never heard of. Translation: she will work her ass off to win this thing. According to a number of female readers, I dropped the ball on Jennifer Grey. She is not as non-famous as I originally thought, thus diminishing some of her spotlight-hungry motivation. Still, she was “Baby” in Dirty Dancing, so I deem it a wash. Still 8 to 1!

3. Brandy (9 to 1) – Slightly obscure singers traditionally do well in this event. See Nicole Shezerin…Sherzing… the one from the Pussycat Dolls.

4. Rick Fox (12 to 1) - The most athletic of the group, and he’s acted before (remember that time he basically played a prison inmate version of himself on “Oz?”). I feel like there will be some kind of athlete bias against him though, and he’ll make it to the final four before being ousted.

5. The Situation (15 to 1) – Flamboyancy/charisma levels are off the charts. But I can’t shake the feeling that he’s a terrible, terrible dancer. Don’t ask me why, I just think he’s going to totally bomb. However, the producers will keep him on because he’s a ratings draw, until about midway through the competition, when the dancing becomes unbearable.

Dark Horses: Kurt Warner and Florence Henderson (20 to 1 and 50 to 1, respectively) - One is too bland to win this thing, the other is 76. America’s love of cute old people will carry them through the first two rounds, however.

The season premiere is September 20th. You’re all welcome.