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Martellus Bennett Once Started A Gang Whose Sole Purpose Was To Steal Ice Cream

Martellus Bennett is quickly carving out a niche as a lovable football goofball, the Clinton Portis of 2012. And if he can cut down on some of his mental lapses, that goofball persona — combined with increased production — could indeed propel him to near-Gronkian levels of popularity in New York.

Bennett, freshly removed from Jason Witten’s shadow and playing TE1 in the largest media market in the world, started his coming out party in training camp. Dubbing himself the Black Unicorn, he began a campaign of bizarre soundbites and caught passes.

Popularity in sports is of course predicated on production, but if you catch enough passes, soon those bizarre soundbites work to exponentially increase your visibility. If you, say, gain 900 yards and say enough quirky shit about dinosaurs in a season, you might one day wake up and be internet famous.

Bennett is on his way. Through two games, he has 9 catches, 112 yards, 2 touchdowns, and a profile in the New York Times. It’s through that writeup that we learn a) he is a tight end who likes to “cut loose,” and b) he once formed a gang whose sole purpose was to steal delicious frozen treats.

Bennett’s enterprising spirit has early roots. In second grade, he says, he formed a gang that dabbled in black-market toy distribution — “we would jump kids and take their toys and sell them” — but was focused on relieving the ice cream man of his wares.

The plan, as concocted by Bennett, was simple: “I would take a dollar and go to the ice cream truck. I would tell a few kids to bang on the other side of the truck. The ice cream guy would turn around and look out that side, then the rest of the kids would run in on this side and grab all the ice cream. When he turned back, I’d still be standing there with my dollar and be like, ‘They went that way!’ It worked every time.”

The memory makes Bennett smile — until he is asked the name of the gang. “We were the Ocean View Gangsters,” he says quietly, sending Siggi into hysterical fits of laughter.

“Ocean View? Ocean View?” she says, struggling to catch her breath. Bennett looks sheepish.

“O.K., the name wasn’t the best,” he says.

The plan is foolproof.

[The New York Times]

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