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Miami Dolphins Hard Knocks Pre-Show Power Rankings

HBO’s awesome NFL training-camp reality show Hard Knocks starts tonight, focusing on the Miami Dolphins. The Friendly Fish seem uninteresting based on their mediocre talent, but their roster is rife with reality-TV gold. I assure you, it will be worth watching. In advance of the premiere, here are SportsGrid’s OFFICIAL Hard Knocks Pre-Show Power Rankings, giving you an idea on who the stars of the show will be.

1. The Tannehills

Lauren Tannehill is Ryan Tannehill’s wife, which means she’ll be heavily featured on Hard Knocks? Why? Well, she appeared on our esteemed “most attractive draft-day girlfriends of all time” list. If you are still confused, check out Busted Coverage’s argument for her place atop the rankings.

But hey, who’s this RYAN Tannehill guy? How does a guy with such a distinct farmer’s tan get a girl like Lauren? Well, he’s a rookie quarterback out of Texas A&M vying for the starting job in a truly wide-open race. It’s made-for-TV drama. He was athletic enough to be a wide receiver at College Station. Against all odds, he has about three times as many Twitter followers as Lauren. And he’s competing against a ’70s porn star (Matt Moore, pictured below)

2) The Receiver Formerly Known As Chad Ochocinco

By now, you know that Chad Johnson used to be good, and is often a really annoying attention-whore, but also often the funniest player in the NFL. There’s rarely an in between. His recent declaration of his desire to get into porn inspired the name “Chad Ocho Incho,” and he’s a reality show veteran, having been on Hard Knocks as a Bengal, as well as having hosted his own show.

Expect ridiculous quotes and antics, hating him half the time and loving him the other half. He’ll toy with your heart.

Since I can’t possibly predict what he’ll do, I’ll just leave you with some words of wisdom from his wonderful Twitter account.

When i lost my virginity at 22… RT @what_a_shane32: @ochocinco what’s the proudest moment of your life

— Chad Johnson (@ochocinco) August 5, 2012

I thoroughly enjoy these early morning surprise NFL Drug Tests… nothing compares to pissing excellence at 6 am for the higher ups…

— Chad Johnson (@ochocinco) July 30, 2012

Even i’m not crazy enough to say that and i have no filter on twitter RT @dougvitulli: there’s nothing wrong with saying the word gay

— Chad Johnson (@ochocinco) July 26, 2012

3. Les Brown, Tax-Filer/Pass-Catcher/Blocker

Maybe you’d never heard of Les Brown before today, but you’ll hear about him soon. From NFL.com:

It’s not a matter of if “Hard Knocks” makes mention of tight end Les Brown’s story — it’s a matter of when. Brown is the accountant who hadn’t played football since high school until the Dolphins decided to offer him a contract with the team.
 

Should make for some interesting trash-talk.

4. Steve Slaton

Wait, sorry, he’ll probably fumble his chance at glory away.

5: Vontae Davis’s mouth

Vontae Davis is a cornerback who, last year at least, thought he and Sean Smith formed some sort of Seantae Smavis SUPERBACK PASS DEFLECTION MACHINE, as the best cornerback tandem in the NFL. Fans worldwide laughed raucously. Now, word is out that Davis has been supplanted as a starter on the depth chart. So either this Richard Marshall, who passed him, is the REAL DEAL and we’ll see some stellar play, or we’ll see a bitchy, cocky football player. Which is a fantastic mixture.

BUST:

Disclaimer: I’m a Michigan student. The following player just graduated from Michigan State University. Not that it has anything to do with the following analysis. Typically, the long-shot rookies are the guys you root for. But by all accounts, you’ll want to root against wide receiver B.J. Cunningham. Just check out his Twitter.

Lol jus cuz u like Taylor Swift RT @aprillfools_: @bjcunningham_03 that hoodrat music

— BJ Cunningham (@BjCunningham_03) July 23, 2012

He doesn’t like Taylor Swift. She’s a sweetheart. He’s a horrible person.

Dang I love this chipotle app for my iPhone .. No more waiting in line

— BJ Cunningham (@BjCunningham_03) August 3, 2012

App, shmapp. He obviously thinks he’s too famous to wait on line at a fast food establishment. He’s a horrible person.

My two favorite Qbs to watch growing up we’re Brett Favre and Mike Vick

— BJ Cunningham (@BjCunningham_03) July 19, 2012

His idols were a dog-murderer and America’s annual offseason dick-tickling fake-retiree. He’s a horrible person.

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