12:50 pm, May 7th, 2014
Mock drafts are fun, but mock drafts are stupid. The “experts” do not get virtually any picks right, try as they may.
So, last year, I did
my own mock draft, with a 30 minute time limit, no sources and no mock drafts to draw from, because I don’t read mock drafts, because they are stupid. More importantly, I included a random Polish guy who did one of his own.
Sadly, Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay won the contest. But they also
cheated* and only got 15 correct picks, combined, so I think I proved my point. Even the most-successful are not very successful, because of the inanity of mock drafting. Also, Polish guy and I did beat Bleacher Report’s “expert” Matt Miller, who was shut out.
The point is not that these people are bad at their jobs. The point is that mock drafts are purely for fun and have minimal predictive value.
The Polish guy appears to have disappered after his shockingly-poor performance, so I have enlisted a Spanish man named
Here is my draft, complete with many attempts at Name Jokes. Sorry.
1. 1. Atlanta Falcons (from Houston Texans): Jadeveon Clowney, Manchild, South Carolina
A trade! The deal: Their first rounder, a 50% stake in Waffle House and a case of Matty Ice.
2. 2. St. Louis Rams (from Washington Redskins): Greg Robinson, Failed Defensive Coordinator, Auburn
, Auburn" />
Failed Defensive Coordinator Because it probably isn't smart to give Sam Bradford another 10 years of excuses behind a bad offensive line.
3. 3. Jacksonville Jaguars: John E. Football, QB, Degrassi High School
The first bad break in life for Johnny.
4. 4. Cleveland Browns: Teddy Bridgewater, QB, Louis Ville
Because "stock dropping" is not a real thing outside of your terrible portfolio.
5. 5. Oakland Raiders: Usain Bolt, WR, Jamaica Khalil Mack, Server, Buffalo Wild Wings
Usain Bolt, WR, Jamaica Khalil Mack, Server, Buffalo Wild Wings" />
Fun fact: I heard a guy ask his friend to meet him at "Wild Buffalo Wings" yesterday.
6. 6. Houston Texans (from Atlanta Falcons): Blake Bortles, Trophy Husband, UCF (University of California-Filanthropy Campus)
, UCF (University of California-Filanthropy Campus)" />
Trophy Husband Bill O'Brien, Blake Bortles and Bill Belichick bite bananas by the seashore.
7. 7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Evan Michaels, WR, Texas A&M
From Johnny Football to Josh McFootball.
8. 8. Detroit Lions (via Minnesota Vikings): Sam E. Watkins, WR, Clemson
The greatest Madden team of all time.
9. 9. Buffalo Bills: Jake Matthews, LB, Oregon (USC transfer)
(USC transfer) You have to be supremely talented to be Johnny Football's
10. 10. Minnesota Vikings (via Detroit Lions): Marcus Mariota, QB, Oregon C.J. Mosley, LB, Alabama
Marcus Mariota, QB, Oregon C.J. Mosley, LB, Alabama" />
HAHAHA NO QUARTERBACK FOR YOU!
11. 11. New York Jets (via Tennessee Titans): David Beckham III, WR, LSU
NFL Draft coverage rule: Ignore all
rumors, because teams are probably smokescreening. Except the Jets. They likely do not know any better.
12. 12. New York Giants: Taylor Lewan, T, Michigan
Because any time you can pick a guy who anchored the worst line in college football, you do it.
13. 13. St. Louis Rams: Marqise Lee, WR USC
Because I know that any time a guy is a Top-5 pick one year and then nobody can explain why he dropped to a fringe first-rounder the next year, it's probably because they're making shit up.
14. 14. Chicago Bears: Aaron Donald, DT, Pitt
No idea but he's from Pitt yet highly ranked so he has to be pretty good.
15. 15. Pittsburgh Steelers: Eric Ebron, TE, Missouri
Heath Miller died already, right?
16. 16. Dallas Cowboys: Anthony Barr, OLB, UCLA
I know they don't have Demarcus Ware anymore!
17. 17. Baltimore Ravens: Brandin Cooks, WR, Oregon State
Because they can't get rid of Joe Flacco.
18. 18. Tennessee Titans (via New York Jets): Darqueeze Alfonso Dennard Robinson, CB, Michigan State
Dennard Alfonso Robinson, CB, Michigan State" />
Get a good defense, so you can blame Jake Always Hurt Locker and run him out of town.
19. 19. Miami Dolphins: Zack Martin, OT, Notre Dame
Someone from Indiana seems like a good fit to shore up a line decimated by racism.
20. 20. Arizona Cardinals: Derek Carr, QB, Houston Texans' Expansion Team Alumni
Because then they'll have an answer to, "Why is Carson Palmer still starting?" ("Because we're waiting for a guy who will probably suck to develop!")
21. 21. Green Bay Packers: Justin Gilbert, CB, Oklahoma State
I assume he played wide receiver in college, because a cornerback from the Big 12 does not sound appealing.
22. 22. Philadelphia Eagles: Benjamin Fahrenheit, WR, FSU
Because Chip Kelly likes tall receivers and their tall receiver doesn't like Chip Kelly and his
23. 23. Kansas City Chiefs: Jordan Matthews, WR, Vanderbilt
You all know who he is because of Vanderbilt's large presence on national Television.
24. 24. Cincinnati Bengals: Courtney Roby, CB, Ohio State
Roby, CB, Ohio State" />
Courtney Because any time you can get a cornerback from one of the most porous pass defenses in the nation, you do it.
25. 25. San Diego Chargers: Lord Stanley Jean-Baptiste Amukamara, CB, Nebraska
Amukamara, CB, Nebraska" />
Stanley Jean-Baptiste How the hell does a name like that drop this low?
26. 26. Cleveland Browns (from Indianapolis Colts): Cody Zeller, WR, Indiana
, WR, Indiana" />
27. 27. New Orleans Saints: Kyle Fuller, CB, Virginia Tech
I'm bored. How do these guys write like 700 of these?
28. 28. Carolina Panthers: Davante Adams, WR, Fresno State
They HAVE to actually give Cam Newton a receiver this year, right?
29. 29. New England Patriots: Louis "Stevie" Nix, DT, Notre Dame
He committed to Notre Dame
right after Charlie Weis was fired. Smart guy.
30. 30. San Francisco 49ers: Kony Ealy, DE, Missouri
No idea what's going on right now.
31. 31. Denver Broncos: Jason Verrett, CB, TCU
MAKE IT STOP.
32. 32. Seattle Seahawks: Jace Amaro, TE, Texas Tech
His parents misspelled "Jake" on his birth certificate, right?
33. Honorable Mention: Tom "Fred" Savage
If that dude gets drafted in the first round, I'll consider neutering myself.
McShay’s mock. Here’s Kiper’s. Those are the ones being graded because they suck and change theirs 100 times in the next two days. Here’s Miller’s. Here’s Spanish Dude’s.
The odds (set by myself):
Todd McShay, ESPN, +150
Mel Kiper, ESPN, +150
Matt Miller, Bleacher Report, +300
Spaniard, Spain, +850
Matt Rudnitsky, SportsGrid, +1000
Good luck, gentlemen. And may the luckiest, least prepared man, win. Results and self-deprecation to come, Friday.