Welcome to our fourth installment of Top 5 Dead Or Alive. In case you missed our piece last Friday on athlete horndogs, we want you to know that this feature is designed specifically to make life hell for our employees. Each week, we’ll ask one of our writers to come up with a definitive list of the five best people, places or things in a particularly subjective category — then, we’ll ask you to tell him who or what is missing from the list. Feel free to be a total dick.
So, I have to come up with the five most-jacked athletes of all time. Easy as pie. Or maybe easy as refraining from eating any pie the rest of your life. This is fucking hard. I need to narrow this down. Let’s see. In our SportsGrid staff brainstorming email, many of the athletes named were steroid users. Am I going to use those dudes? HELL NAW. I will not give Jose Canseco the satisfaction of being considered for a superlative, ever. I just won’t. Also, wrestlers were brought up. But they’re actors, not athletes — and mostly on steroids. And this goes for you too, David Boston. NEXT.
I need to define the word “jacked.” If it were “ripped,” low body fat would be the key. If it were “yoked,” I’d be looking at pure size. If it were “strongest,” I’d be crunching numbers. “Jacked” is an amalgamation of the three. I think. But like any self-respecting college kid, I’ll defer to the expertise of Urban Dictionary. Their (best) definition:
Someone who is very strong and has very defined musles, girls love them, too.
Ah, so they must have big musles! This is why this is the most reputable dictionary out there. Go back to where you came from, Merriam-Webster. But back to the important stuff. They need to be strong AND defined. AND be ladies men (sorry Tiger, the ladies don’t love you no more!). Oh, and fuck off, defensive linemen; you’re too big. Eat shit, noseguards. And it goes for the other end of the spectrum, too. NO TENNIS PLAYERS ALLOWED. I know you work out, Andy Murray, but go back to your video games. You burn too many calories, fool. You might be the hairiest superstar athlete of all time, Roger Federer, but you’re not making this list. Basketball players, the same goes for most of you. Get jacked up or smacked up. (Too much running = smacked up.)
NOW LET’S RANK THESE MUSCLEBOUND FREAKS.