NFL

NFL Free Agency Is About To Begin. Here’s What You Should Know.

NFL free agents can officially sign with new teams at 4pm, today. Here at SportsGrid, we’ll guide you through the madness, because we have nothing better to do.

What already happened?

Percy Harvin was traded to the Vikings, and now everyone outside of Seattle is terrified. Anquan Boldin was traded to the 49ers for nothing (because he was getting cut), and people are overreacting. No, they weren’t 2013 free agents, but this is relevant, so erase your comments, trolls. Oh, and Percy Harvin told people that Christian Ponder sucks, so Florida’s academic reputation has skyrocketed.

Tony Gonzalez pulled a Likable Vegan Man’s Favre and is coming out of retirement and rejoining the Falcons. Unlikable Actual Favre is probably still thinking about Tornados.

The Vikings re-signed an acrobat disappointing receiver that isn’t Percy Harvin.

Who are the big free agents? Where are they going?

The Dolphins were assumed to sign Mike Wallace, but that may not be the case with a certain Nordic squad now looking to pillage the impressive wide receiver market.

The Giants might actually lose Victor Cruz, because he is great at football-catching and defender-eluding and he will raise a team’s profile when he inevitably joins Dancing With the Stars as soon as he begins to decline. It’ll take a massive, long-term contract to pry him away, though, so only teams with cap room out the buttfumble will be able to sign him. The Browns, Chiefs and Colts (as well as Dolphins and Vikings, if they don’t sign Wallace) come to mind.

Cliff Avril, really good defensive end, is probably the best defender on the market. He’s 26, and likely leaving the Lions, according to NFL.com’s predictions. They say Browns or Colts. Sources inside the NFL tell me that NFL.com has sources inside the NFL, so I trust them.

Greg Jennings used to play wide receiver on the Green Bay Packers. NFL.com dudes are guessing he continues to play there, or goes to the Chiefs, Rams or Vikings. Throw in those same receiver-needers I mentioned before, while you’re at it.

Wittle White Wes Welker is expected to stay with the Patriots, in a unanimous prediction by those plucky NFL experts. Their ilk is fond of white receivers’ attitudes, but down on their straight-line speed.

There are excellent offensive linemen on the market. Sebastian Vollmer is a Patriot so they’ll likely re-sign him or let him get overpaid elsewhere. Jake Long had an uncharacteristic bad season last year, but he will have multiple suitors outside of Miami. Andy Levitre, according to the NFL experts, is probably going to Indianapolis or Tennessee.

James Harrison is on the market. Assuming he doesn’t murder someone, it’s anyone’s guess where he’ll go. Probably to the UFC ring if teams are scared to call him.

Everybody thinks Reggie Bush is going to the Lions.

Dashon Goldson, Sean Smith and Rashard Mendenhall will go to the teams most willing to pay for a semi-big-name safety, cornerback and running back, respectively. Ed Reed is old but wily and someone will sign him. It could even be Baltimore if they save enough money.

Should I be freaking out about this? I have better things to do.

We freak out about NFL free agency because we have nothing better to do. Signings are important, but in the grand scheme of things, they aren’t that important. Remember unemployed quarterback/TGI Friday’s high-roller Vince Young’s “Dream Team?” (Of course you do: you read SportsGrid, you smart man or woman or child, you).

So, if you have better things to do, like, say, talk to a friend or contribute to society or watch some really high-quality futbol, by all means, go. We’ll keep you updated. We don’t have friends or real jobs.