NFLPolice Blotter

Memo From Roger Goodell Warns NFL Players Not To Get Wasted And Go Carrying Guns Everywhere

The Fire Crotch of Justice is back at it, but this time, he’s taking a pre-emptive approach to protecting The Shield (and its business interests.)

Following a rash of drunk driving arrests to players like Justin Blackmon and David Diehl, Commissioner Roger Goodell sent out an internal memo to all NFL teams and personnel regarding conduct unbecoming of those who represent the league; everyone from the trainer to the quarterback got a copy. Some tips of note:

DON’T TAKE CHANCES.

If you choose to go out for drinks, make arrangements for a designated driver or “safe ride” service. Remember that law enforcement is aggressively protecting the public from the dangers of impaired driving. DON’T TAKE CHANCES.

YOU’RE NOT A SUCKA SO YOU ABSOLUTELY DO NEED A BODYGUARD.

Avoid trouble spots and places that don’t provide adequate security. Don’t try to provide your own “security” by carrying a weapon.

REMEMBER, IF YOU GO TO JAIL, YOU’RE MESSING WITH OUR MONEY.

Every negative incident undermines the respect we have earned from our fans, erodes the confidence of our business partners and threatens the continued success of the league.

And that’s really what it comes down to: if you get drunk and drive, or, say, take a gun into a club, you’re not only endangering the welfare of yourself and those around you, but you’re effing with our sponsorship money, bro. And if you mess with The Shield’s sponsorship money, it will be a Red Dawn for you, my friend. THE REDDEST DAWN IMAGINABLE.

[Eye on Football]