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Shirtless Dolphins’ Fan Capitol Shooting Witness Not From Miami, Sadly


His name is Matthew Jacob and he’s from New Zealand, and he’s the latest instant media celebrity. Jacob is now famous as “Bro Witness” — or if you prefer, “The Innocent Brostander”. According to reports, he spotted the car allegedly involved in the incident at the White House, and followed it on his bike as it approached the Capitol Building. Photos of him being quizzed by media and police have circulated wildly on Twitter. Our questions:

• When’s the last time you wore a shirt?

• Are the Dolphins big in New Zealand? If so, why?

• Where did you leave your shirt?

• In how many “Lord of the Rings” movies were you an extra?

It’s a pretty safe bet he’s wearing a Speedo beneath those shorts, by the way.

My favorite sentence from the Miami New Times story on this guy:

According to Daily Beast reporter Ben Jacobs, his friends identify Jacob as “a fuckhead.”

From New York Magazine:

Reporter Ko Im tweeted that Bro Witness “followed action on bikeshare.” Here he is sitting on the bike.

More power to you, Bro Witness. You may be “a fuckhead”, but America thanks you for your help in a time of crisis, and the Dolphins thank you for the boost in hat sales.



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