NFL

Counterpoint: Why The SportsGrid Fantasy Football League Is Overrun With Idiots

You’ve already heard quite a bit on this site about SportsGrid’s own fantasy league – we’ve previewed it, and reviewed the early happening within it in both video and gif form. In short, we’ve made our league seem like a big deal. Below, an alternate perspective.

Anyone who’s known me for longer than a few days should know two things about me: 1) I love sports, and 2) I am extremely competitive. When I started working at Abrams Media three months ago, I made these things very clear, especially to SportsGrid editors Dan and Glenn. Sure, our first meeting was supposed to be about social media strategy, but I wasted no time in attempting to recruit them for fantasy baseball advice. Turns out Dan doesn’t really love baseball, and Glenn doesn’t really love fantasy (your loss, you two), so they weren’t much help.

No thanks to them, I have since then taken on the seven boys in my fantasy baseball league and am now in the playoffs. (If you’re reading this, Mike, your team is going down.) I have also joined a fantasy football league and plan on dominating that as well. For this, SportsGrid has been more helpful. Despite their excessive use of slideshows (see here, here, and here, and here, and here), Dan and Glenn did give me some useful advice.

So, I drafted (Rice, Rice, Baby) and returned to work, pleased with my fantasy football prospects and confident Team SportsGrid and I were on solid footing. Until one night, when my lovely co-worker Jen sent me a text message to the effect of, “Still stuck at the office doing the SportsGrid league fantasy draft.”

Oh, no they didn’t.

But they did. Click that link. Go through the teams. See my name anywhere? Neither do I. So now I’ve got no choice but to present you:

Five Reasons My Co-Workers Are Idiots For Not Having Me In Their Fantasy Football League*

1) THEY DIDN’T HAVE A GOOD REASON: Glenn says they didn’t invite me because I mainly talk about baseball. To which I say, that’s because it was baseball season, and also that is false because I explicitly remember having extensive Gchats with him about rhythmic gymnastics and even halting his workflow one day so I could use his TV to watch said rhythmic gymnastics. In fairness, he did invite me to join his fantasy rhythmic gymnastics league. We’re still working out the details of that one.

2) THE LEAGUE WILL BE A FUN-FREE VOID…: One time, I made the office cookies, and another time I brought them apple cider donuts from faraway New Jersey. The league could be benefiting from this generosity right now. Like, it’s really easy to make a pan of brownies and cut them into the shape of a football. Too bad they won’t, so instead they’ll be skinny, sad shells of themselves come January. Also, I definitely would have bought beer for the draft – or better yet, even thrown a draft party.

But there was no party. Just sad tableaus: Glenn home alone making Easy Mac (ed. note: FALSE. It was leftovers of this and I will NOT HAVE MY REPUTATION BE SULLIED), Intern Evan back at college drunkenly contemplating the complexities of tying ties, and Jen and Max anti-socially staring at their computers from opposite sides of the office. Clearly, this league knows how to have fun.

3) …WITH TERRIBLE TEAM NAMES…: I mean, I actually guess it’s fine they didn’t invite me, because my team name was ALSO going to be “Science.” C’mon, guys. You’re all smart and educated people. You really couldn’t come up with better team names? “The Best Team”? Never heard THAT ONE before. Let’s contrast the name of my team with the name of my colleague Keith Gormley’s team, shall we?

My team: “Gym Manning Laundry”

Keith’s team: “Keith Gormley”

Point is, I think my Abrams name could have been killer. Instead, next year I’ll be terrorizing the rest of Abrams Media with something like ‘Good Luck Getting the Printer to Work’ or ‘Oops Did Someone Take Your Lunch Out of the Microwave Early.’ Revenge is a bitch.

4) …THAT WILL ALSO CREATE A FUN-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT: Office morale would have greatly improved upon watching the SportsGrid boys cry when I won. (I also would have filmed this so you, the reader, could have enjoyed as well.) Glenn, especially, is a real snot blower. I know. Don’t believe me? You try breaking the news to him that the eTrade babies aren’t really talking in those commercials and get him to stop crying for the next three days.

5) I’M A WOMAN: Not only will I pull this card, I’m even going to list it last, because it’s that important. While I’m pretty sure I’m only in my fantasy baseball league because our league commissioner has a weird obsession with FX’s The League and needed a token girl to take on the real-life role of Jenny, I’m cool with that, because I think Jenny rocks, and she knows her shit. (We’ve also got a Taco, in case you were concerned we weren’t any fun, League fans.) But beyond the token thing: we ladies understand football. We understand stats. We enjoy eating wings and drinking beer. And most importantly, we trash talk. Better than you do.

Just look at our business director, Jen. She’s the only lady in a 12-team league, and I’m one of two in a 10-team league. We both have the top projected teams, and neither of us have ever played fantasy football before. Ham Porter, I do play ball like a girl – and I’M PROUD OF IT, DAMMIT.

So have fun, Dan and Glenn — without me, your league is nothing. Well, that’s not true. It is something: a league with less fun, less snacks, less exciting team names, less women, and less rhythmic gymnastics. So: the worst kind of league.

*NOTE: List applies only for reasons relating to not inviting me to their fantasy league. Full list of reasons why they’re idiots would be far longer.

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