Gamblin'NFL

SportsGrid’s NFL Picks, Week 7: Gambling Is Impossible To Resist

The SportsGrid Bacchanal is a weekly NFL picks column that will drain your bank account with a smile. Floyd Mayweather approves this message.

Whoever decided that the middle finger would be designated the universal “fuck you” sign miscalculated badly. The longest finger has been rendered completely useless, and people who continue to innocently point with it are met with immediate scorn because everyone secretly fears a covert ops fuck you being directed their way. People who continue to haphazardly point with their fuck you finger anyway, knowing full well the internal anguish they cause, deserve to have it gnawed off by contagious arthritis rats.

The only conceivable reason to label the pointer finger the “pointer finger” is to avoid confusion with the “fuck you” finger, so clearly the pointer finger being chosen as “the pointer finger” was merely a byproduct of the longest finger already being taken. This should be switched for the sake of logic, and we can all watch as millions of people fire off accidental fuck you’s and the world descends into ANARCHY.

Anyway, picks. Off we go. Home team starred.

New York Jets (+10.5) over New England Patriots

Every time I forget to bet on football with my illicit gambling website, it sends me 40 emails saying “Dylan, you haven’t bet in a while. Bet on tonight’s game an earn $10 in free betting dollars!” I cannot resist this. Here, take my losing $20 bet so I can win FREE MONEY. This is a net gain in my book, because any time I can con free shit out of anyone I cackle in delight while fapping to my newly framed $10 bill.

Wouldn’t this be just the game for Tom Brady and Bill Belichick to run up the score and win by 57? I’m picking the Jets because I can’t help but knowingly fall into the “Maybe the Jets aren’t so bad…?” trap with unflinching confidence. Also, note that as soon as I called out Shonne Greene for pooping the bed all season, he goes out and has a great game. I am a MASTER MOTIVATOR.

Arizona Cardinals (+6) over Minnesota Vikings*

I mentioned this on the last podcast, but this bears rehashing:

Is Kevin Kolb Jim Irsay’s bastard son? Legitimate son? Is this why Kevin Kolb looks like he’s ambling around drunk on the field all the time? Look at that annoyingly flipped up hair and those creepy goatees. I demand a DNA test as well as credit for noticing something that has probably already been noticed on the internet somewhere.

San Francisco 49ers* (-7) over Seattle Seahawks

Is Matt Flynn a surreptitious genius or an unenviable failure? Before you jump on the latter train, know that he’s being paid $26 million over three years to wear a headset and stand next to Russell Wilson with an important-looking clipboard as Pete Carroll ignores his presence. Also know that he’s maintained a veil of secrecy surrounding his talent, because his 6 TD performance last year in the Green Bay finale is literally the only scrap of evidence we have of his in-game ability. And that’s one mighty valuable scrap.

As long as he keeps a lid on his talent, team’s will continuously offer him bloated contracts because OMG POTENTIAL. Arizona thought they found the next Matt Schaub in Kevin Kolb, only to realize that they found the next Kevin Kolb. And Kevin Kolb sucks. Though we should lay off on the Kolb criticism, because some of his ribs are literally detached from his sternum. Player safety!

So really, the less Flynn plays, which means the less opportunity he has to prove why he’s a career backup, the better. When the Cowboys cut Tony Romo in a few years and Jerry Jones signs Flynn to a five-year, $40 deal YEEHAW SAVIOR SUPER BOWL STRIPPERS DALLAS YEEHAW, he’ll be glad it all went down this way.

Indianapolis Colts* (+2.5) over Cleveland Browns

Every network broadcasting football needs to fix it’s bottom line fantasy ticker. When it ranks the best performances of the day, it organizes it by yards gained in the primary role. That is, quarterback performance is graded by total passing yards, running back performance is graded by total rushing yards and wide receiver performance is graded by total receiving yards. This is the most ass-backwards fantasy ratings system ever.

Clearly the person controlling these tickers (because only one moron could do this on every channel) was born in 1927 and HOLY SHIT RUNNING BACKS CATCHING THE BALL QUARTERBACK RUSH YARDS is still a novel concept. And not to mention the big elephant in the room, touchdowns. TDs are everything in fantasy. It’s the only reason why Michael Bush is anywhere near anyone’s fantasy roster and why you’ve disciplined yourself for considering picking up John Kuhn. If you’re going to have a fantasy ticker, calculate the fantasy points. As horrible as it is to admit, Mark Sanchez’s 82-yard, 2 TD performance wasn’t all that bad fantasy-wise.

Just hire some Harvard schlub to run the ticker and constantly update it with innovative fantasy stats that will blow our minds for all of two seconds. Calvin’s Johnson’s average YAC on catches of 20 yards or more is 11.2? WOW.

/shoves 10 nachos in mouth

Not football related, but still important: GAAAHHH A wild fire destroyed Drew Gooden’s hair!

Green Bay Packers (-5.5) over Saint Louis Rams*

Well, fuck. Aaron Rodgers decided to remind America that he’s the man, and that no defensive deficiency can hold back the Packers when their offense is firing on all cylinders. Commentators loved attributing the dominating performance to Brian Cushing’s absence, but that would require Green Bay to run ball. That’s not something they do. Brian Cushing has no chance of covering any of their receivers.

There’s something wonderfully cathartic about watching that offense go and Green Bay win. Not because it’s beautiful football or some other Ron Jaworksi fapping fodder, but because it slaps convention upside the head while waving a giant, intentional, middle finger at every media member over the age of 50. DEFENSE AND RUNNING THE BALL WAIT I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY NOW. Green Bay has figured out the clever formula of scoring a fuckton of points and watching other teams try to keep up. Who cares if their defense gives up 30 points per game? A few stops, one turnover and they win. So long as the replacement refs aren’t around.

I’ve also enjoyed the “Holy shit Aaron Rodgers is back!” conversation, as if he’s gone anywhere. Say he throws 2 TDs instead of 6 last week, and he’s still tied for 4th in the league in TD passes. Sorry his TD-INT ratio isn’t 45-6, people. Just 12-4 (really, 16-4).

Carolina Panthers* (+2) over Dallas Cowboys

Jerry Jones and a few Cowboys were on last week’s episode of The League because of course Jerry Jones and a few Cowboys were on last week’s episode of The League. If you don’t watch The League, stop reading and go watch The League.

The crew flew down to Dallas to negotiate the price for Jones to buy DallasCowboys.com from Taco, a dig on that little kerfluffle involving the Cowboys website. Jones offers to buy the website for $250,000, which Ruxin and Taco quickly accept. Clearly Jones was on the show to prove that he’s a SAVVY BUSINESSMAN, because he’s actually an awful contract negotiator. Here are some of my favorites on the current team:

Orlando Scandrick: 6 years, $28.2 million
Jason Witten: 7 years, $50.5 million
Miles Austin: 7 years, $57.1 million

Keep in mind that Jason Witten is on death’s door (but his deal doesn’t run out for another five years), Miles Austin was rewarded with a seven-year deal for one good season, and Orlando Scandrick is the nickel corner on a good day.

Washington Redskins (+5.5) over New York Giants*

This one has Eli Manning derp game written all over it. The Giants have never followed up a huge win with an easy victory. Eli Manning always throws at least one facepalm interception in these types of games, the receivers immediately turn to horseshit and the defense doesn’t show up. Compound this with FUCK FUCK FUCK RUNNING QUARTERBACK, the bane of the Giants’ existence, and this one has upset written all over it. Andy Reid loves playing the Giants because Mike Vick is always rejuvenated and early retirement for both disappears from the horizon. Put it this way: The Giants even lost to Vince Young last year on Sunday Night Football, and he can’t even manage his own money.

Other Games:

Buffalo Bills * (-3) over Tennessee Titans

Baltimore Ravens (+6.5) over Houston Texans*

New Orleans Saints (-2.5) over Tampa Bay Buccaneers*

Oakland Raiders* (-4) over Jacksonville Jaguars

Cincinnati Bengals* (+1.5) over Pittsburgh Steelers

Chicago Bears* (-6) over Detroit Lions

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