Preseason games are to football fans what baking soda is to heroin addicts: it gives the pleasure of going through the motions, but it is devoid of any buzz. For example, right now the Ravens-49ers game is slogging through the second half, and we’re waiting for a coach’s challenge to a play. OHMYGOD! Don’t they know some of these players have to get to their bartending jobs tonight? So the chances of seeing your favorite player during one of these hollow money-grab gams are slim (unless, of course, your favorite player is your dad, the bartending punt returner). But in between the meaningless plays and the speculation on the taxi squad, I have found something to entertain me: the NFL Network’s in-studio herd of analysts includes former coach Steve Mariucci, who has absolutely no idea what to do with his hands.
He started with The Clasp, but that didn’t feel right, so he slid down into The Low Clasp.
But that was too near the danger zone, so he went to The Late Night Host:
That must have made Mariucci feel more confident, because he shifted directly into The Ski Jumper:
Perhaps seeing a trident in the room, he pulled out The Brick Tamland:
Which is just a variation of I Don’t Know:
Which them became Do You Know?:
And then mercifully, finally came to rest in The White Flag (“I Surrender!”):
I don’t know about you, but I’m totally tuning in next week to watch Mariucci.
David Young has been a columnist for ESPN and Sports Illustrated, and is now one for SportsGrid. Follow him on Twitter @turkeysflying.