The 2013 NFL Draft is tomorrow, and you know what that means: hours of Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay staring directly into your soul and somehow spouting fountains of information on hundreds of college football players as they become professional athletes. It’s an exciting time for these young men, and a ceaseless bore for everyone else who just wants to know what their team will be getting.
By far the best thing about the draft is hearing the outrageous names that some of these kids have. Key & Peele set up the concept last year, and we laughed, because though the names were outlandish… they didn’t seem impossible (D’Isiah T. Billings-Clyde, anyone?).
So as a new crop of players emerges from around the nation, lets rank our favorite names and see where they’ll be headed — hopefully, to a team near you. Likely destinations according to NFL.com.
11. Margus Hunt
What’s his deal?: DE, SMU.
Where’s he going?: Steelers, 48th pick.
That name?: Margus? I mean… Margus? Like if Martin and Gus had a baby?
10. David Quessenberry
What’s his deal?: OT, San Jose State
Where’s he going?: Saints, 109th pick.
That name?: It’s like, he lures you in with “David” and then, BAM, Quessenberry. What does a quessenberry taste like? Is it poisonous? Please advise.
9. Baccari Rambo
What’s his deal?: S, Georgia
Where’s he going?: Cowboys, 80th pick.
That name?: This man will go on to star in action films that are produced by Bacardi.
8. Cornelius Washington
What’s his deal?: DE, Georgia
Where’s he going?: Lions, 36th pick.
That name?: This one isn’t crazy — it’s crazy presidential. It’s the most presidential name since Franklin D. Roosevelt.
7. Tank Carradine
What’s his deal?: DE, Florida State
Where’s he going?: Giants, 19th pick.
That name?: Another potential action hero, Tank Carradine is what kids call themselves when playing Secret Agent in the backyard. “Call me Carradine. Tank Carradine.”
6. Shamarko Thomas
What’s his deal?: S, Syracuse
Where’s he going?: Redskins, 51st pick.
That name?: Is he part shark? Unless his father’s name is Shawn Mark O., I don’t want any part of this.
5. Star Lotulelei
What’s his deal?: DT, Utah
Where’s he going?: Eagles, 4th pick.
That name?: Star is lucky he’s so good at football and monster truck-big, because otherwise he’d still be trying to get out of the locker the seniors stuffed him in.
4. Da’Rick Rogers
What’s his deal?: WR, Tennessee Tech
Where’s he going?: Ravens, 94th pick.
That name?: Da Rick is the name of a rapper with zero imagination.
3. Khaseem Greene
What’s his deal?: OLB, Rutgers
Where’s he going?: Lions, 132nd pick.
That name?: Khaseem Greene flew here from the inside of a Dr. Seuss book. He just wants to get lean and live out his dream, know what I mean? Hopefully he doesn’t rupture his spleen while trying to get clean.
2. Stansly Maponga
What’s his deal?: DE, TCU
Where’s he going?: Bills, 177th pick.
That name?: This dude is like the King of England, if the King decided to relocate to Zimbabwe. His mother’s name is Barbara Green so who knows what happened there.
1. Barkevious Mingo
What’s his deal?: OLB, LSU
Where’s he going?: Jets, 9th pick.
That name?: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. BARKEVIOUS MINGOOOOOO. HE HAS A BROTHER NAMED HUGHTAVIOUS. THAT IS ALL.
Photo via Getty