Here’s what you might have forgotten during the NFL season: Not every game is good. In fact, some are very, very bad. As the 2013 season began in earnest yesterday, we saw a few examples of how a combination of opening day nerves and general sloppiness can lead to dismal performances (Jets-Bucs and Steelers-Titans, for example). But the night cap between the Giants and Cowboys in Dallas topped — or, more suitably, bottomed — them all.
Usually Top 5, Dead Or Alive details a list of persons, living or dead, who fit a ridiculous niche that we create for ourselves (Most Jacked, Athletes Named After Animals). But in a game with more mistakes and strange broadcasting choics than moments of genuine athletic excellence, this might be our toughest list to narrow down yet.
5. So they’re still doing that music intro, huh?
The Sunday night game “starts” at 8:20 p.m. ET, which means that it doesn’t end until well past 11 p.m. for people on the East Coast — like Giants fans, who had to stay up late just to watch their team continuously eat shit. And yet, despite the late start, NBC still finds a way to fit in a stupid-long intro of Carrie Underwood (who replaced Faith Hill) singing about Al Michaels and pointing at various holograms of players. Who at NBC is trying to bang Underwood? It’s the only logical explanation for keeping this element of the broadcast around. Does anyone turn on NBC with no interest in football, watch this intro and think, “Oh, okay, now I’m excited”? We have work in the morning — get to the game!
4. Eli Manning making the Eli Manning face/body language that everyone hates about Eli Manning.
Manning had a great game if you were able to forget about the three costly interceptions he threw (450+ yards, four touchdowns). But you can’t forget about interceptions. His last one, which was returned for a game-sealing touchdown, led to the ultimate Eli Manning face (via Gifulmination):
3. Cowboys fans being forced to consider, albeit briefly, Kyle Orton as their quarterback.
Say what you will about Tony Romo — inconsistent, overpaid, over-appreciated, not very good — at least he’s not Kyle Orton. I can only imagine the fear in the hearts of Dallas residents everywhere when Tony Romo was pancaked in the ribs and Kyle Orton began warming up on the sidelines. This is not what you want to see happen to your starting quarterback:
Frankly, nobody wants to see Kyle Orton in the game again, so the fact that Romo came back for the second half should be a huge sigh of relief for the universe.
2. David Wilson’s absolute failure of a game.
Wilson wanted to be the guy for the Giants this season, and his chance came when both Ahmad Bradshaw was cut and Andre Brown broke his leg in the preseason. So what does a guy who needs to prove himself to his team and the league do to start the year? Rush for 17 yards, fumble twice (including on his first touch), provide absolutely no help in pass protection and watch his backup tip away the game in the fourth quarter. The Giants will almost certainly bring in a veteran this week. An enormously costly fail for Wilson.
1. This weird noise.
Seriously, who made that noise?
Overall damage: 7 turnovers (6 by the Giants), 11 penalties, 137 combined rushing yards, and a 36-31 win for the Cowboys that nobody should be happy about. Let’s hope Niners-Seahawks next week is better.
Photo via Getty