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Trent Dilfer Has Some Stroke Principles To Share With You

Oh man, this is great, actually. I mean, I love Louis C.K. and all, but when everything you hear about masturbation is coming from one source, it’s a little much, you know? ESPN NFL analyst Trent Dilfer’s “Stroke Principles” should be a welcome change.

And Dilfer’s not just talking about masturbation, he’s dishing out advice. “Principles” – it’s right there in the title. Has everyone been doing it wrong? We’re about to find out – exciting stuff. And Dilfer’s qualified: he’s the Elite 11 head coach. Elite 11 – that must be where the best 11 masturbators in the whole country go, and Dilfer’s leading the way for them. Imagine the useful tips he’ll have for all of us. Anyway, Trent, take it away. Teach America how to stroke:

Aw man, it’s only FOOTBALL advice?! I thought I’d be so cool, after hearing Dilfer’s pointers, but instead he’s just gonna teach us all how to be awesome quarterbacks. When did that ever help anyone be cool?