NFL

NFL Players Are Now Taking Viagra To Enhance (On-Field) Performance, According To Brandon Marshall

NFL players will do whatever it takes to get an edge. Steroids, spying, bounties, Adderall, Viagra, whatever. Yes, Viagra. This according to Chicago Bears WR Dr. Brandon Marshall, M.D., who scientifically noted in his conversation with Brad Biggs of the Chicago Tribune that players seek medically induced erections “because the blood is supposedly thin,” or something.

Take it away, sciencematologist:

“‘I don’t know too much about Adderall,’ Marshall said. ‘I know guys, it is such a competitive league, guys try anything just to get that edge. I’m fortunate enough to be blessed with size and some smarts to give me my edge. But some guys, they’ll do whatever they can to get an edge. I’ve heard of some crazy stories. I’ve heard (of) guys using like Viagra, seriously. Because the blood is supposedly thin, some crazy stuff. So, you know, it’s kind of scary with some of these chemicals that are in some of these things so you have to be careful.’”

Yes, be mindful of the SHARP BONERS breaking your skin Okay, so maybe the players don’t want the boner part. If Roger Goodell has gleaned anything from this, it’s that all NFL babies are drug-guzzling delinquents. In fact Goodell has already suspended the unborn children of all future NFL players for violating the league’s substance abuse policy, because INTEGRITY and HONOR and CLEANING UP THE GAME. Stick to the breast milk, fetal miscreants.

No word on when players pop the pill, because an in-game erection seems rather dangerous. At the very least, we know that Brett Favre wasn’t a serial Viagra abuser. And neither is Brandon Marshall, because he’s got “size.” As for the rest of the NFL, your guess is as good as ours.

[KSK, via Brad Biggs]

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