FantasyNFL

We’re Playing Fantasy Football At SportsGrid. Watch Us Excel At It.

We play fantasy football too, as you might’ve guessed from this post, or this one, or this one, or even this one. We’re just regular fantasy goers like everyone else, though, with thoughts, fears and unverifiable prognostication skills. In an effort at transparency (though mostly just to reveal Dan as a fraudulent psuedo-Matthew Berry), we’ll be bringing you periodic updates about our Abrams Media (note: 50% SportsGrid) fantasy football league. Feel free to opine on our fantasy non-knowledge in the comments.

Below you’ll find a list of the teams (12), their players and championship odds. We’ve thrown in some of the chat room trash-talking that transpired, and you can also check out the round-by-round tomfoolery here, as well as the roster rules and scoring (which are standard) here.

(Round selection in parentheses)

12. Jake O’Donnell, writer, comedian, friend of Dan’s (SCIENCE) – 30/1

Draft Pick: 9

QB: Robert Griffin III (7), Ben Roethlisberger (8)
RB: Steven Jackson (3), Michael Turner (5), Shane Vereen (11)
WR: Calvin Johnson (1), Jordy Nelson (4), Vincent Jackson (6), Denarius Moore (9), Randy Moss (10), Kendall Wright (15)
TE: Rob Gronkowski (2), Jacob Tamme (12)
K: Matt Prater (14)
D/ST: New York Giants (13)

The Rooney family is one offensive line blunder away from picking up the shattered pieces of Ben Roethlisberger’s body off of Heinz Field. Though they’d probably glue the bones back together before burying the body. THEY RUN A FIRST CLASS ORGANIZATION. Good thing Robert Griffin III is there to take over for dead Roethlisberger, though Jake probably hit the “Draft” button while simultaneously fapping to a picture of Cam Newton. When RG3 is introduced to an NFL linebacker in Week 1 and is out nine weeks with 578 broken ribs, at least he won’t be able to film any more commercials.

Michael Turner and Steven Jackson are real life players. Not fantasy. Jackson would be a top flight RB (like he used to be), if, you know, Steve Spagnuolo hadn’t driven the organization into the ground. Where’s Marc Bulger when you need him? And Michael Turner is due for a downtick in stats, if only because the entire Atlanta organization is under the delusion that Matt Ryan is a good quarterback, thus compelling them to throw the ball. How do you have Julio Jones, Roddy White, Tony Gonzalez AND Michael Turner and NOT have the best offense in the league? I’ll tell you how: you have Matt Ryan as your quarterback.

11. Sean Panzera,  Head Graphic Designer, Abrams Media (The Best Team) - 24/1

Draft Pick: 3

QB: Aaron Rodgers (1), Jake Locker (12)
RB: Jamaal Charles (3), Stevan Ridley (6), Alfred Morris (13), James Starks (15)
WR: Andre Johnson (2), Demaryius Thomas (4), Marques Colston (5), Anquan Boldin (10), Greg Little (11), Laurent Robinson (14)
TE: Fred Davis (7)
K: Sebastian Janikowski (9)
D/ST: Chicago Bears (8)

Fine, Aaron Rodgers is awesome. But Scott Pioli is clearly heading up a conspiracy to limit Jamaal Charles’ fantasy impact. Even though he’s one year removed from an ACL tear, Peyton Hillis was brought in to “share” the load, which is fantasy-tanking code for goal-line TD vulture and three possessions of two one-yard carries and a non-third down conversion. And we’re not in a PPR league, so Charles’ value deflates even more.

Demaryius Thomas will be terrible because he’s not short, white and quick, and probably isn’t related to Brandon Stokely. We already saw the Peyton Manning-Eric Decker lovefest start in the preseason, and it will only devolve into a further disgusting sexual acts with Jacob Tamme somehow involved. Also, Andre Johnson will get injured, because Andre Johnson. Also also: Sean took Sebastian Janikowski in the 9th round. That is not a typo. Nine.

10. Max Willens, Digital Strategist, Abrams Research (Twerk Sun Yat-Sen) – 23/1

Draft Pick: 12

QB: Tony Romo (3), Russell Wilson (11)
RB: Ahmad Bradshaw (4), BenJarvus Green-Ellis (6), Kevin Smith (9), Kahlil Bell (15)
WR: A.J. Green (1), Julio Jones (2), Kenny Britt (7), Lance Moore (10), Reuben Randle (13)
TE: Jermichael Finley (5), Kellen Winslow (12)
K: Mason Crosby (14)
D/ST: San Francisco 49ers (8)

A.J. Green in the first round was ballsy, in that “my balls are trying to lose this league for me” kind of way. Same for Julio Jones with the first pick of the second round, especially in a league that starts two WRs in a WR-heavy draft. Although I’ll really enjoy when Russell Wilson rushes for 10,389 yards and scores 40 TDs while RG3 gets hurt (Jake = HEAD ASPLODE).

Tony Romo had a great season last year, which subsequently means the Cowboys will go 7-9 and miss the playoffs and Jerry Jones will blow up Cowboys Stadium and build another one TO MOTIVATE THE TEAM TO BEAT THOSE DAMN GIANTS WHY ARE THEY BETTER THAN US EVERY YEAR YEEHAW!!!

Also, what is Aaron Rodgers’ problem? Spreading the ball around to all his receivers like that, Drew Brees style. Are you trying to ruin every fantasy football fantasy (ha!) by devaluing a possible starting WR lineup of Eric Decker, Wes Welker and Jordy Nelson?

/Peyton Manning wet dream

9. Glenn Davis, Senior Editor, SportsGrid (On Donnie Avery Island) – 18/1

Draft Pick: 7

QB: Matthew Stafford (1), Andy Dalton (10)
RB: Trent Richardson (3), Darren Sproles (4), Jonathan Stewart (7), C.J. Spiller (8), Felix Jones (12)
WR: Larry Fitzgerald (2), Eric Decker (5), Torrey Smith (6), Steve Smith – STL (15)
TE: Brent Celek (9), Dustin Keller (11)
K: Jason Hanson (14)
D/ST: Houston Texans (13)

Max said at our draft that Dr. James Andrews endorses the Trent Richardson pick. History doesn’t. On the bright side, you probably couldn’t count the amount of times someone yelled at their television, “Can’t someone just fucking tackle Sproles?” All while some lucky as shit owner who picked Sproles on a whim in the 87th round guffawed his ass off.

Anytime John Skelton or Kevin Kolb is an actual, real life decision, cue that fan base slamming their heads against the wall. If the ball ever reaches Fitzgerald, expect him to catch it. He does that particularly well. It’s too bad that someone has to get it to him first. That’ll be a real snag in his statistical output.

Matt Stafford has been healthy in exactly one NFL season. He has played in three NFL seasons. He’s been healthy 33 percent of the time. I say this without comment. (Comment: he will not stay healthy.)

8. Jordan Rabinowitz, Night Editor, SportsGrid (Cromartie’s Kids) – 15/1

Draft Pick: 1

QB: Peyton Manning (4), Joe Flacco (10)
RB: Arian Foster (1), Ryan Mathews (3) Isaac Redman (6), Cedric Benson (9), Ronnie Brown (13)
WR: Wes Welker (2), Dwyane Bowe (5), DeSean Jackson (7), Randall Cobb (12)
TE: Brandon Pettigrew (8), Jared Cook (14)
K: Nate Kaeding (15)
D/ST: Green Bay Packers (11)

Ryan Mathews is awful. Everyone’s been drafting him too high ever since he entered the league, and he’s done exactly nothing since then. He rushed for 1,091 yards in 14 games last season, including six touchdowns! Six! And on the pass happy Chargers? Sure, let’s take him in the third round (even though he’s injured and “hopeful” to play in week one). But don’t fret, Jordan, as NFL.com-ers are even more wishfully thinking as you, as his overall rank among all players is 25. Good thing you have Isaac Redman, who’s similarly injured, to back him up!

Just hope that Peyton Manning doesn’t fall on his neck, Arian Foster doesn’t reaggravate his hamstring and Wes Welker doesn’t go anywhere near Bernard Pollard. Otherwise, you’re team looks like it will be totally injury free!

7. Matt Rudnitsky, Former Intern, SportsGrid (Matt) – 13/1

Draft Pick: 8

QB: Michael Vick (2), Matt Ryan (6)
RB: Chris Johnson (1), Adrian Peterson (3), Shonne Green (6), Ryan Williams (9)
WR: Dez Bryant (5), Pierre Garcon (7), Justin Blackmon (8), Santonio Holmes (10), Malcom Floyd (11), Sidney Rice (13)
TE: Greg Olsen (14)
K: Alex Henery (15)
D/ST: Seattle Seahawks (12)

Three players on Matt’s roster (Michael Vick, Chris Johnson, Adrian Peterson) were consensus 1st round picks last season. Too bad it isn’t 2011. This, in a nutshell, flaunts fantasy football’s biggest truth. Nobody has any goddamn clue about anything. It’s all a gigantic crapshoot, and that’s why it’s fun. There is no intelligence in happening upon Victor Cruz.

Hopefully Dez Bryant follows his bed time, or big bad Jerry Jones might just extend his contract for seven more seasons and throw in a bag ‘o guns. And who knew Greg Olsen was still, how do we say this, alive?

Pierre Garcon is Matt’s number two receiver. Here’s what ESPN has to say about him:

“Add into the mix Garcon’s imprecise route-running and sometimes-shaky hands, and you’ve got a recipe for another Washington free agent failing to live up to a huge free-agent contract. Make no mistake: Garcon can scoot. Against single coverage, he’s a tough matchup. But he is not a physical player and struggles against safety help.”

Well, that sounds promising. He can’t catch, he can’t run routes, he can’t handle physicality. But he can run! Where’s Al Davis? SIGN HIM.

6. Dan Fogarty, Editor-in-chief, SportsGrid (Vandelay Industries) – 12/1

Draft Pick: 6

QB: Drew Brees (1)
RB: Fred Jackson (3), Beanie Wells (6), Donald Brown (7), Toby Gerhart (8), Rashad Jennings (9), Ben Tate (10), Mike Leshoure (11), Isaiah Pead (13)
WR: Roddy White (2), Mike Wallace (4), Danny Amendola (12), James Jones (15)
TE: Aaron Hernandez (5)
K:
D/ST: Philadelphia Eagles (14)

A tip of the cap for the team name. Though a latex salesman might just be an upgrade at running back. Fred Jackson is coming off a torn ACL and has C.J. Spiller waiting to steal carries, and Beanie Wells insert-scout-talk-mumbo-jumbo-for-he’s-the-worst. But don’t worry! He’ll have Kevin Kolb or John Skelton to relieve the pressure on the running game!

Mike Wallace will play terribly because of his holdout (Side note: if you’re on the extended holdout diet, you probably shouldn’t, you know, cave without a contract. Seems contradictory, I think. But good luck with the season!), Drew Brees will play terribly because THEY HAVE NO HEAD COACH and Danny Amendola will play terribly because Danny Amendola. Otherwise, Dan, you’re looking good!

5. Keith Gormley, Head of Business Operations, Abrams Research (Keith Gormley) – 8/1

Draft Pick: 4

QB: Tom Brady (1), Josh Freeman (14)
RB: DeMarco Murray (2), Marshawn Lynch (3), Frank Gore (4), Michael Bush (8), David Wilson (9), Mike Goodson (13)
WR: Brandon Lloyd (5), Miles Austin (6), Nate Washington (10), Mario Manningham (11)
TE: Tony Gonzalez (7)
K: Stephen Gostkowski (12)
D/ST: New England Patriots (15)

What is this fantasy obsession with Marshawn Lynch? Am I the only one completely terrified that he’s going to revert to, say Marshawn Lynch? Also, Pete Carroll. Don’t underestimate his ability to completely undermine any and every good thing. (Sorry, Russell Wilson.) At least DeMarco Murray is there to comfort you with his five career games of 20+ carries. Second round material!

Second question: what is this fantasy obsession with Brandon Lloyd? Tom Brady loves throwing the ball to the middle of the field, unless he has one of the greatest receivers ever to play with (Randy Moss). Fact: Brandon Lloyd is not one of the greatest receivers ever. Aaron Hernandez, Wes Welker and Rob Gronkowski will get all the targets while Bill Belichick’s hoodie-hidden spy cam him catches Lloyd not running 100% as the fourth receiving option.

4. Dylan Murphy, Associate Editor, SportsGrid (Beavis And Chad Johnson) – 6/1

Draft Pick: 5

QB: Philip Rivers (5), Carson Palmer (13)
RB: Ray Rice (1), Peyton Hillis (6), LeGarrette Blount (11), Tim Hightower (12), Kendall Hunter (14), Fred Taylor (15)
WR: Greg Jennings (2), Hakeem Nicks (3), Reggie Wayne (7), Titus Young (8), Darrius Heyward-Bey (10),
TE: Antonio Gates (4)
K:
D/ST: Detroit Lions (9)

I’m feeling pretty confident about my team, as long as Philip Rivers chooses not to implode, (Although I still maintain that last season was a ploy to expedite the ousting of Norv Turner, but A.J. Smith will NOT be fooled. At least some people agree with me.), Joe Flacco continues to dump the ball off three yards to Ray Rice while simultaneously preserving the idea that he’s a great QB, Peyton Hillis steals all of Jamaal Charles’ carries, Aaron Rodgers stops spreading the ball around like Drew Brees, Victor Cruz repeats his insane production to keep the double teams off of Hakeem Nicks and Antonio Gates plays a full season for the first time since ever.

3. Evan Sporer, Former Intern, SportsGrid (Intern Evan) – 9/2

Draft Pick: 11

QB: Cam Newton (1), Alex Smith (11)
RB: Darren McFadden (2), Doug Martin (4), DeAngelo Williams (8), Rashard Mendenhall (10), Evan Royster (12)
WR: Steve Smith (3), Jeremy Maclin (5), Robert Meachem (7), Michael Crabtree (9)
TE: Vernon Davis (6), Owen Daniels (13)
K: Garrett Hartley (15)
D/ST: Pittsburgh Steelers (14)

Let it be known that Evan didn’t even show up until something like the 8th round. Yet the computer still managed to kick most of our asses. Everyone’s all over the Doug Martin train right now as if he floats on a cloud of 100-yard, two TD performances ready to dispense at your discretion. Well, newsflash: he’s a rookie. And rookie RBs always suck, excluding Adrian Peterson, because he’s Adrian fucking Peterson. Evan’s also one Cam Newton injury (which is likely, considering every linebacker is foaming at the mouth to lay him out) from starting Alex Smith at quarterback. The same quarterback who nearly lead his team to the Super Bowl, so the team saw it fit to blow up the offensive chemistry for the non-chance of actually acquiring Peyton Manning. He must be BRIMMING with confidence right now.

2. Hank O’Donnell, Jake’s brother (The Return Of Alstott) – 4/1

Draft Pick: 10

QB: Matt Schaub (8), Jay Cutler (9)
RB: Matt Forte (1), Reggie Bush (5), Willis McGahee (6), Mark Ingram (7), Roy Helu (11), Daniel Thomas (15)
WR: Brandon Marshall (3), Victor Cruz (4), Doug Baldwin (12), Austin Collie (14)
TE: Jimmy Graham (2)
K: Dan Bailey (13)
D/ST: Baltimore Ravens (10)

Never trust balding quarterbacks. NEVER. Jay Cutler just had a kid and kids ruin everything. “Can’t play quarterback today, guys, GOTTA GO MAKE HEART-SHAPED PANCAKES. And when has drafting a tight end in the second round ever been okay? Even when Antonio Gates was at the height of his powers, he didn’t go earlier than the third. Really, though, Hank’s team comes down to whether you trust the Bears’ offense (Cutler, Forte Marshall). If you think they’ll be able to regain that Denver Mojo as Brandon Marshall stomps out cornerbacks left and right, this team could actually be dangerous. If not, Hank will be pining for the days of Mike Martz. And pining for Mike Martz is just sad, really.

1. Jen Glickel, Director of Business Development, Abrams Media (Glickel’s Pickles) – 3/1

Draft Pick: 2

QB: Eli Manning (2), Andrew Luck (8)
RB: LeSean McCoy (1), Maurice Jones-Drew (3), Pierre Thomas (10), Bernard Scott (14)
WR: Percy Harvin (4), Antonio Brown (5), Steve Johnson (6), Santana Moss (12), Mike Williams (15)
TE: Jason Witten (7), Coby Fleener (13)
K: David Akers (9)
D/ST: New York Jets (11)

The New York Giants love throwing the ball, and Eli Manning actually backed up his words last season when he labeled himself an elite quarterback. But Eli Manning is also the type of player to shit his pants and wipe his ass with your fantasy roster. “Oh, you’re down three points in your fantasy matchup and I’m the only player left on your roster? Let me just go throw four interceptions against the Minnesota Vikings on Monday Night Football, three of which are returned for TDs!”

/ELI MANNING ARM FLAP

Otherwise, this team is actually pretty good. Although Antonio Brown RUINED EVERYTHING when he played well in preseason. He’s our favorite overrated-underrated player right now.

And, finally, an important question: kicker in the 9th round? Seriously? Matthew Berry is furiously typing an 8,000-word reprisal column right now (uninteresting personal anecdotes included!).

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