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What Will America’s Sports Teams Be Called In 50 Years?


The landscape of sports team names has long been dominated by the animal kingdom — everything from the ferocious lion to the lowly banana slug. But in the past couple of decades, professional sports teams have ventured into uncharted creative territory. Marketing departments have been particularly fond of forces of nature, with teams such as the Miami Heat, Oklahoma City Thunder, Colorado Avalanche and the Carolina Hurricanes. These are fine, but I can’t help but wonder how dumb team names are going to become with the influence of the twitterverse. Here’s the three weirdest directions team names can go in the next 50 years:

Internet Meme Names

How does the Los Angeles Angry Cats sound? Or the Seattle Socially Awkward Penguins? These names don’t last long either — halfway through every season the name would change according to what’s trending on Twitter — or the future’s Twitter equivalent that will likely be called “Blipbloop” or something equally as stupid. The first owners to start this trend will be the co-founders of Reddit’s children. At halftime, the only entertainment will be a slideshow of latest Reddit posts accompanied by audio announcements of the crowd’s semi-racist/homophobic comments. If 14-year-old girls get their way, this will happen.

Sponsored Names

This category is loosely inspired by the film “Idiocracy.” Every team will be named after a product. For Example, New York’s future MLS team would be called the “New York Subway $5 Footlongs #eatfresh.” In this reality, the Green Bay Packers are the only holdouts in the corporatization of sports and Wisconsin is universally hated for honoring tradition over bitcoins.

Socially Conscience team names

The whole world has turned into intellectual environmentalist. In this future the biggest rivalry in the NBA is between the Portland Composters and Washington D.C Locally Purchased Fruits and Vegetables. There are no more winners and losers, there are just participation awards handed out at the end of games.

It’s really up to the you to stop these three equally dumb realities from happening. Become a billionaire, buy a sports team and don’t allow the twitterverse to change your team’s name into the Gender-Neutral Confession Bears powered by Sprint.

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