11:00 am, November 22nd, 2012
There are many Thanksgiving foods, and they are all delicious. Every single one of them. Do not tell us otherwise, because you would be wrong. Unfortunately, Thanksgiving is eaten with other people, which means some foods might run out. So you have to prioritize. What’s can’t miss? What’s sorta can’t miss? And what can you ignore entirely? Because we at SportsGrid are
masters of food porn, we figured we’d lend a helping hand on Thanksgiving, too.
And now, presenting SportsGrid’s Thanksgiving food power rankings.
1.10. Green Bean Casserole
I've never actual had this, but I hear it's good. Helpful, I know.
2.9. Bacon-Wrapped Asparagus
Because green food sucks, and everything wrapped in bacon is amazing.
3.8. Cranberry Slices
Those thick slices are the best because they move around your plate like jello, which makes it a fun food to play with. And that's always a plus.
4.7. Mashed Potatoes
The goopier, the better. I like dripping mashed potatoes over other food likes its a sauce because mixing foods in otherwise unseemly combinations always makes for some exciting palate-tickling.
5.6. Mashed Sweet Potatoes
Sweet potato > regular potato. You follow? Also, same sauce principles apply.
The turkey really isn't that exciting. Though a golden brown turkey may look mouth-watering coming out of the oven, when you start eating you realize, "Fuck, it's just turkey." And I eat turkey most days for lunch. So that's kind of underwhelming.
It is a must to dump gravy all over everything. All green foods. Turkey. Stuffing. Mashed potatoes. There is not a place that gravy does not belong. At the right temperature, it would probably feel good in your pants as well.
8.3. Pumpkin Pie
There's not enough crust in pumpkin pie. That's my only complaint. Also every time I eat pumpkin pie, I imagine it was birthed by a Jack-O-Lantern, and that freaks me out.
Stuffing is unbelievable. It's just wonderful, deliciously altered bread. And bread is the best. It goes with everything. It goes with the gravy. It goes with the turkey. It goes with the mashed potatoes. You can mix that shit around and not have to worry about clear food separation. Unlike, say, bacon-wrapped asparagus. You cannot disturb the sanctity of bacon-wrapped asparagus.
10.1. Apple Pie
Just go ahead and drop a cold scoop of vanilla ice cream (three scoops, why not) on top of apple pie and try to not froth at the mouth. I dare you.