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Not Sports Related

While The Red Sox Have Decided To Shave Their Beards, This Yankees Fan Is Still Growing Strong


As a Yankee fan, I’ve always been secretly jealous of the carefree cool attitude with which the Red Sox have carried themselves. In music, as in sports, the cooler, more relatable bands were always the ones who looked like Nirvana, and not the ones that looked like Air Supply. That’s a fact. And as a someone who dislikes the Red Sox with an intense passion, it’s been something I’ve battled with for most of my baseball watching life.

Why does my team look like Olympic tandem divers while the other teams look like the guys you’d want to band with during a zombie apocalypse scenario? It’s not fair.

But now, thanks to one part nostalgia and two parts dignity, the Boston Red Sox, one by one, are going clean-shaven for the 2014 season. “The beard’s coming off,” Jonny Gomes told a room full of people at a Red Sox event at Northeastern University. “No, I don’t think we can do the beards again.” Gomes makes it seem so easy. Good luck getting Mike Napoli on board.

Now for the bigger question: When the fuck do I cut this thing off my face?

It’s a question that, if you’ve ever gone three months without shaving, you’ve spent way too much time thinking about. So I’ve put together a series of arbitrary-though-relevant-guidelines I’ll be following, that will act as indicators for when it’s time to grab some scissors, down some hard liquor, and finish off this raccoon that’s been clinging to my jaw for since Columbus Day. This goes for all of us. If you’re like me and are grappling with the idea of shaving your beard, go down this list, and if you check off more than five things, boom, there’s your answer.

The fro’s got to go.

• When every conversation you’re involved in is about “facial hair”…

• When you start having “bad beard hair days”…

• When strangers start to view you as a Civil War reenactor and/or lumberjack, and comment aloud on your appearance…

• When a child hides behind its mom as you walk by…

• When someone on the street offers you a blanket/drops change in your coffee…

• When you write a post about it on the sports blog you work for…

• When, a hour after you’ve showered, a single droplet of water falls ever so softly from your chin area onto your laptop keyboard…

• When the Jesus jokes go too far…

• When it hurts…

• When you see a picture of yourself from the summer and think it’s a picture of you from 2007…

• When you find yourself vying with pets for scratches from strangers…

• When you start enjoying brushing it more than brushing your teeth…

• When you stop noticing you have a giant beard…

• When you win the World Series…

• When you stop getting laid…

• When Mike Napoli decides to cut his…


I hope this has shed some light on the subject for those of you who find themselves in Mike Napoli’s (and my own) position. If you’re working on a beard right now and contemplating a cut, let us know and tweet a photo at us, and we’ll give you our honest opinions.

H/T NESN



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