It’s early in Spring Training, and players are readjusting to life in the spotlight. Especially Prince Fielder, who’s also acclimating to a new home in Arlington after two seasons in Detroit. Meanwhile, ESPN anchors spend the entire year gabbing on camera. Put them together, and you’ll inevitably get one of these moments, where Karl Ravech rattles off some probing thoughts on Prince’s mental state during his disappointing 2013 season (.279/25/106), to which Fielder nervously responds:
“I’d love to hit 80 home runs. I’d love to do all that. It just didn’t happen. It’s just what it is. Ya know, I mean, if someone could’ve gave me a magic p…a magic word, I would’ve. It just didn’t happen.”
Wait, what was that, Prince? A magic…word? You’d take a magic word? Not, like, a pill — as the popular saying goes, “If I could take a magic pill to change it, I would, but I can’t.” You’d never take a magic pill, would you, Prince? Of course not — that’d be cheating. But you would take a magic word (which as we all know from the Harry Potter series, can be just as effective). Imagine what a wingardium leviosa spell could do to a baseball, you guys.
(Snorty dork laugh)
FOLLOW UP: Will the MLB ever come to grips with how magic pills have tainted the sport? Are wizards going to get subpoenaed for helping playing achieve tap their peak physical potential? If only we had a crystal ball…