Back in April, I tried to beat Mel Kiper Jr., Todd McShay, Matt Miller and Some Polish Guy in a super-official NFL Mock Draft competition. I came in third place. I beat the Polish guy. Mel Kiper’s win has an asterisk.
It was fun, because:
1) It proved that mock drafts are purely for entertainment.
2) You got to make fun of me.
3) You got to make fun of Poland.
Based on these conclusions, I have extrapolated that the same thing would be fun, for all parties involved (except the “experts,” but who cares about them!), for the 2013 NBA Draft. Let’s mock the NBA Draft. You can watch it at 7:30 p.m. ET on ESPN. It’s at the Barclays Center. The “experts” are as follows, with links to their mock drafts. Let me know if there are others you’d like to mock.
Note: “Mock Draft,” translated to Spanish, is “Mock Draft.”
Other Note: ESPN has Ford’s mock draft under its “Insider” paywall. Fuck them. If I cannot secure his picks, he will come in last. This is a threat. I’m sure ESPN takes me very seriously.
Now, for my entry. As I did last time, I will spend as little time as possible on this, because I want to look stupid. Call me names when I inevitably forget someone obvious. I’ve followed virtually no rumors. If you are a bad person, I suggest mocking my Jewish heritage.
1. Cleveland Cavaliers: Alex Len, C, Maryland
When you can pick a guy nobody knew about ’til like a week ago with the number one overall pick, you do it. Especially when you’re trying to convince LeBron to come back.
2. Orlando Magic: Ben McLemore (and Ryan Lewis), Kansas
Someone trades up and gets the sensational performing duo. Two for the price of one.
3. Washington Wizards: Anthony Bennett, PF, UNLV
I know he’s athletic.
4. Charlotte Bobcats: Nerlens Noel, C, Kentucky
Then they can suck (again) and get someone good next year.
5. Phoenix Suns: Victor Oladipo, Hard Worker, Indiana
One serious piece of analysis: I think he’s a star.
6. New Orleans Pelicans: Trey Burke, Point God, Michigan
Grevis Vazquez will be delegated to jock-carrying duties.
7. Sacramento Kings: C.J. McCollum, NBA Player from Lehigh wtf
Small school something something scoring Black Jimmer.
8. Detroit Pistons: Otto Porter, SF, Georgetown
9. Minnesota Timberwolves: Cody Zeller, Overrated Styrofoam Child, Indiana
I am making up the assumption that the T-Wolves trade with the Magic and get McLemore. I’m not sure if that’s a rumor or makes sense. The Magic need to get softer. They should draft Mr. Softy, Cody Zeller.
10. Portland Trail Blazers: Kentavious Caldwell-Pope, SG, Georgia
I read something about him being a good scorer. And long. His name is long. He sounds like a good scorer.
11. Philadelphia 76ers: Kelly Olynyk, C, Gonzaga
The best feminine name and hair in the draft.
12. Oklahoma City Thunder: Steven Adams, C, Pittsburgh
Because he looks like Adam Morrison’s Kiwi half-brother.
13. Dallas Mavericks: Michael Carter-Williams, PG, Syracuse
People have him going way earlier, I think. So, he goes here. Which would make him Dwight Howard’s Bitch, as Howard tries to become “The Man.”
14. Utah Jazz: Shane Larkin, SS, Cincinnati Reds
When a Hall-of-Famer is on the board, you take him.
15. Milwaukee Bucks: Sergey Kasarev, SF, Russia
When in doubt, plug in an international player.
16. Boston Celtics: Giannis Adetokunbo, SF, Greece
Rebuilding = interSTASHional player.
17. Atlanta Hawks: Allen Crabbe, SG, Cal
And now I’ve gone from 90% stumped to 99%. I guess it helps to be an “expert.”
18. Atlanta Hawks, again!: Rudy Gobert, C, France
They won’t put two players on the books, right? Stash!
19. Cleveland Cavaliers: Mason Plumlee, C, Duke
He went to Duke. Kyrie Irving went to Duke. Coincidence?
20. Chicago Bulls: Tim Hardaway Jr., SG, Michigan
For some reason, my gut tells me this is right. Which means they will pick whomever is the complete opposite of Tim Hardaway Jr., which must be Glen Rice Jr., or something.
21. Utah Jazz: Nate Wolters, PG, South Dakota St.
White people! Utah! Stereotypes!
22. Brooklyn Nets: Tony Mitchell, PF, North Texas
Freak athletes do not typically drop this low. In Russia, freak draft you!
23. Indiana Pacers: Lorenzo Brown, PG, NC State
I don’t know. I like him, kind of.
24. New York Knicks: Dennis Schroeder, PG, Germany
Wishful thinking to hear the strength of boos in New York if they pick an international.
25. Los Angeles Clippers: DeShaun Thomas, Undersized Big Man, OSU
Because Doc Rivers picked Jared Sullinger.
26. Minnesota Timberwolves: Jeff Withey, C, Kansas
I’m not sure how he didn’t go earlier. Who is this idiot making these picks?
27. Denver Nuggets: Ricky Ledo, SG, Providence
IDK I HEARD HE WAS HIGH-RISK HIGH-REWARD WHEN IS THIS OVER?!?!?
28. San Antonio Spurs: C.J. Leslie, Forward, NC State
The Spurs will do something sneaky. Probably not this.
29. Oklahoma City Thunder: Myck Kabongo, PG, Texas
My mock draft is edgy.
30. Phoenix Suns: Glen Rice Jr., SF, D-League
D-Leaguer in the first round? See, edgy.
Here are the competition odds:
Wish me the worst of luck. Results to come tomorrow.