The Spurs unveiled a new alternate jersey today. They’ll wear it for their home opener against the Thunder. This is that jersey:
Well, upon seeing the new duds, we at SportsGrid decided we’d react… by reviewing them in the cattiest way possible. Here’s what we thought:
Dan Fogarty, editor in chief: Poor Kawhi Leonard and Danny Green. They look like they’ve been draped in an old man’s beard.
Where to begin. This uniform is all wrong. The designer was clearly going for a minimalist theme by forgoing any sort of team or city identification, but like a bar without a sign, it’s trying too hard to be cool. And like a chubby man without a belt, I mock it openly.
Speaking of a belt, this uniform could use one. There should be some sort of breakup in that barren gray wasteland that stretches across the torso. It’s like a sea of old turd. Congratulations, the San Antonio Spurs. You’ll be dressing your players up in turd this year.
Glenn Davis, senior editor: When I heard the Spurs were coming out with a new uniform, I was almost as excited as when they dramatically changed their jerseys from this to this. No one makes a splash like the Spurs, and you can bet I was knocked off my feet when they augmented their exciting black-and-white uniform color scheme with…
It’s perfect – finally, the Spurs can wear the color of Gregg Popovich’s soul! And not just gray (oh, sorry, “silver”), but nearly blank. (Also like Gregg Popovich’s soul!) Thought watching the Spurs was already like watching a bunch of robots? You ain’t seen nothin’ yet, people.
Dylan Murphy, associate editor: Wait, what team do they play for? It’s hard to tell when there’s NO TEAM NAME on the jersey. Gregg Popvich probably loves that because it enhances that sense of team shenanigans, meanwhile he berates his stars on national television because HE TREATS EVERYONE EQUALLY WHAT A GREAT COACH SO UNDERSTATED NOBODY TALKS ABOUT HIM.
The color’s not even a suave dark gray or a fashionable light-gray-actually-white gray, but that shit stain in-between gray, the kind that offices use for chairs and desks so everyone feels like they’re in prison. Well, it’s not like San Antonio has much going on anyway, so maybe this is merely a tribute to one of the most boring cities in America. This is exactly why everyone hates the Spurs. It’s like those art exhibits where someone shat on a canvas and solid their poop splotches for $3.6 million. Note: that is not art. It is splotches of poop, and that is gross.