Above, you’ll see 4-year-old Shane Oliver of Mattydale, N.Y. crying because Syracuse University senior guard Scoop Jardine will be playing his final game for the Orange at some point this month. Shane’s mom filmed it and put it on YouTube, and that YouTube video was posted on The Dagger, Yahoo’s highly-trafficked college basketball blog. As of the writing of this post, “Sad that Scoop is graduating” has 52,413 views.
Shane’s mom, unfortunately, is part of a growing segment of American parents who think it’s funny/cute/delightful to film their kids crying about sports, then put it on the internet. Welp, parents, I’m here to tell you: if you film your kids crying about anything and post it to the internet, there is a strong possibility that
Your kids will grow up hating you.
Why? Well, for one, you stuck a camera in their face while they were crying instead of consoling them. What kind of shit is that, parents of America? You don’t film a human — particularly a very tiny human — while they’re in distress, and then egg them on with stuff like “Scoop’s your favorite, right?” It is very patronizing, parents of America, and I bet your crying kid doesn’t appreciate your smug bullshit.
Second, things that are put on the internet live on the internet forever. Do you realize how tough you made this kid’s life on his first day at Mattydale elementary? It’s going to be all “HEY SHANE, WHY DON’T YOU GO CRY ABOUT SCOOP SOME MORE,” and “HEY SHANE, HOW ‘BOUT A WAAAAH-MBURGER?” First-graders are vicious, vicious savages, and you are providing your child’s classmates with a treasure trove of crippling ammunition.
Now, I’m sure Mrs. Oliver is a nice lady, and a good mom, and I’m sure all she meant to do was film her kid doing something cute. And it’s actually worked out for Shane — Scoop, being a good guy, contacted Mrs. Oliver after seeing the video, so maybe Shane will get to play hoops with him or something.
Still: by the time this lost generation of crying YouTube children (and there are tons of them) reaches 10 years old, they will be very pissed about this. Shane, no matter how many driveway games of hoops he gets to play with Scoop, will be pissed about this. This is like having a very embarrassing photo of your kid hung up prominently in the house for all of your guests to see, except the house is the internet, and your guests are strangers, other parents, and the kids of those parents who will never let the kid forget about the time he cried about college basketball.
So, parents of America: please stop filming your crying kids and posting it on YouTube. They will love you for it.
Follow Dan Fogarty on Twitter here. Image via Shutterstock.