Each week, we’ll bring you the AP’s college football rankings, and throw in our patented mix of bitchy sarcastic analysis and incredibly premature snap judgments. Enjoy!
1. Alabama (60)
The Crimson Tide beat Mississippi State 38-7 because, again, they are much better than every other team. Nick Saban was outraged, though, when he saw a cut on Barrett Jones and realized the center was not bleeding crimson. Jones is scheduled for a 15-minute meeting in Saban’s office Tuesday. No one ever needs a second meeting.
The Ducks eviscerated Colorado, scoring 56 first-half points en route to a 70-14 shellacking. The Big 12 has already rejected the Buffaloes’ petition to return to the conference this season.
3. Kansas State
Once again pacing the Wildcats on the ground and in the air, Collin Klein led Kansas State to a 55-24 win over Texas Tech. He remains the country’s best player in the eyes of anyone who has ever advocated “putting a hat on a hat,” “physical, hard-nosed football,” or generally used any phrase you would expect a football coach in a movie to use.
4. Notre Dame
Leaning on their stout defense once again, the Fighting Irish dispatched Oklahoma 30-13. Reached in Rome, Pope Benedict XVI said, “Die Sooners sind widerlich und Norman ist wertlos.” Sportsgrid’s German translators are on strike this week, but I am sure this is some astute analysis.
Les Miles used the off week to perform the first Game of Thrones book with the team. “He’s been calling me Khaleesi for weeks,” said punter Brad Wing, “I can’t stress enough how excited I am for this week to be over.” They play Alabama (!!!) Saturday.
6. Ohio State
Braxton Miller returned and accounted for three all-purpose touchdowns as the Buckeyes beat Penn State 35-23. It was the second annual Ineligibowl for Ohio State, who figure to hide any violations more effectively under Urban Meyer.
The Bulldogs won the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party, harassing Florida 17-9. They also won the game last year, making them the country’s top mixology school in consecutive years for the first time since 1989.
The Gators imploded, committing 6 turnovers and losing to Georgia 17-9. The loss is especially worrisome for Jordan Reed, who had a crucial late fumble, because Will Muschamp is insane and his actions are highly unpredictable.
9. Florida State
Reasserting their ACC dominance, the Seminoles stomped Duke 48-7. The loss likely ends Duke’s chance to appear in the ACC title game, and they figure they might as well just go back to basketball.
Tajh Boyd and Sammy Watkins both set records as the Tigers easily dispatched Wake Forest 42-13. More importantly, it was a team in orange against a team in black the weekend before Halloween in Wake Forest, which I can only assume is the country’s most depressing wooded area. Well played, ACC.
11. South Carolina
The Gamecocks, who are frequently abbreviated as SCAR in scrolls at the bottom of TV screens, barely survived Tennessee, winning 38-35. SCAR pretty clearly seems to be the best abbreviation for a school, at least until I start the Massachusetts University For Arts, Science, & Athletics.
Despite multiple 10-point deficits, the Cardinals emerged with a 34-31overtime win over Cincinnati to take control of the Big East race. The winning field goal came after Butch Jones iced Louisville kicker John Wallace on a play in which the snap went through the holder’s hands – one more piece of evidence that icing the kicker is completely worthless.
13. Oregon State
The Beavers’ dream of an undefeated season was squashed, as they fell to Washington 20-17. The Huskies relied heavily on Bishop Sankey, who ran for 92 yards and 2 touchdowns. He also received a call from the Pope, who said, “Sie sind ein echter Bischof, ja?” We’re doing our best to resolve these issues as soon as possible.
The Sooners simply couldn’t handle Notre Dame’s defense, falling 30-13. Even worse, it was the Play Like A Champion Bowl, because only the most storied programs could think up such a gem.
The Cardinal earned a solid win, beating Washington State 24-17. Mike Leach has clearly made his absurd mark on the Cougars: they threw for 401 yards, yielded 10 sacks, and rushed for -16 yards. There’s not even a joke here; that’s just ridiculous.
16. Texas A&M
The Aggies absolutely throttled Auburn, dominating them in every way en route to a 63-21 win. Johnny Football did a little of everything for A&M, even finding time to write a blog post about how terrible Gene Chizik is without Cam Newton. Man is he embattled.
17. Mississippi State
The Bulldogs did their darnedest, but really had no chance and fell to Alabama 38-7. Coach Dan Mullen considered it a positive experience though, citing the coaching strategies he observed from Nick Saban: “I’ve never seen anyone belittle youngsters like that before. His disdain for humanity is revelatory.”
The Trojans showed their softness once again, getting mildly upset by Arizona 39-36. Marqise Lee had 16 catches, two touchdowns, and a Pac 12 record 345 receiving yards, prompting Lane Kiffin to remark that he would have done a better job coaching up the Wildcats’ defensive backs.
19. Boise State
The Broncos continued to round into form, beating Wyoming 45-14. Cowboys head coach Dave Christensen was suspended for the game, because he worries about “ethics” in a sport where people frequently try to destroy each other.
20. Texas Tech
The Red Raiders’ defense simply couldn’t handle Kansas State’s offense, falling 55-24 on the road. Hopefully legendary KSU coach Bill Snyder will celebrate the win by doing the local weather.
The Cornhuskers beat Michigan 23-9 after Denard Robinson left the game with an injury to his throwing elbow. When asked about the injury after the game, Taylor Martinez said, “He should just play through it. I’ve had an elbow injury for years and no one seems to notice.” Everyone in the room then became infatuated with their phones and refused to make eye contact with Martinez.
22. Louisiana Tech
The Bulldogs jumped back into the rankings with a 28-14 win over New Mexico State. Despite a solid game, Aggies quarterback Andrew Manley found himself emasculated by the loss.
23. West Virginia
The Mountaineers took a week off entirely for football reasons, showing the degree to which they are worried about their team. They play their new Big 12 BFFs TCU on Saturday.
Thanks in large part to quarterback Matt Scott’s 469 total yards and 4 touchdowns, the Wildcats surged into the rankings with a 39-36 win over USC. After the game, receiver Austin Hill said, “Matt is a warrior.” He then gestured to the other end of their locker room, where Scott was putting on the uniform he stole from USC’s mascot.
A 33-yard field goal from Ka’imi Fairbanks gave the Bruins the lead as time expired, earning them a 45-43 win over Arizona State. Now, if you know how to pronounce Fairbanks’ first name, please let me know. I am lost.
Also receiving votes: Nathan Followill, calling out Ryan Lochte, playing like a champion every day, pumpkins, wishing the best for Marcus Lattimore, 4 Maryland quarterbacks being out for the season, 3 Maryland quarterbacks tearing their ACLs,Vandals possibly being vandals?
Getty photo, by Sam Greenwood