Each week, we’ll bring you the AP’s college football rankings, and throw in our patented mix of bitchy sarcastic analysis and incredibly premature snap judgments. Enjoy!
1. Notre Dame
The Fighting Irish completely dominated Wake Forest and won 38-0. Reached in Rome, Pope Benedict XVI said, “I have no respect for these Demon Deacons. These Satan worshippers have no place in football.”
A.J. McCarron set the school single season touchdown pass record as the Crimson Tide beat Western Carolina 49-0. Furious with his team for not beating a real Carolina, Nick Saban has forbidden his players from talking to family members for the next week.
Aaron Murray threw four touchdown passes as the Bulldogs beat Georgia Southern 45-14. Furious with his team for not beating a real Georgia, Mark Richt decided to give his team a stern talking-to after the game. “He really gave us a piece of his mind,” said a decidedly relaxed Murray.
4. Ohio State
The Buckeyes stayed undefeated with a 21-14 overtime win over Wisconsin. There are now multiple scenarios in which Ohio State could be named the AP national champions, so they’ve got the attention of the nation’s anarchists.
The Ducks’ offense never got going, and they fell to 17-14 to Stanford in overtime. Speedster De’Anthony Thomas was effectively neutralized, contributing only 74 all-purpose yards and one touchdown. In an alternate universe, Oregon running back Anthony Thomas ran for 331 yards and five touchdowns as the Ducks destroyed the Cardinal 52-14.
Following the scheduling convention of their SEC brethren, the Gators beat Jacksonville State 23-0. When asked about his team’s cupcake schedule, Will Muschamp said, “I don’t believe in cupcakes,” before punching a mirror and devouring the shattered glass.
7. Kansas State
In a true shocker, the Wildcats lost 52-24 to a previously-defenseless Baylor squad. Lache Seastrunk had 185 yards rushing and a touchdown for the Bears, which clearly happened because his last name rhymes with seapunk and seapunk is in the middle of an unstoppable meteoric rise into the cultural mainstream. The BCS cannot account for Rihanna.
The Tigers needed a Jeremy Hill touchdown with 15 seconds left, but they emerged with a 41-35 win over Ole Miss. No one can explain the win better than Les Miles.
9. Texas A&M
Johnny Football broke a number of records as the Aggies beat Sam Houston State 47-28. SHSU is known as the Bearkats, so they’re very clearly not taking this athletics thing seriously.
10. Florida State
The Seminoles beat a quarterback-less Maryland squad 41-14. Emboldened by the rest of the ACC’s mediocrity and his own hubris, Jimbo Fisher decided to flaunt his team’s versatility and depth by playing punter Parker Conley at safety and defensive tackle Moses McCray at receiver.
The Cardinal hunkered down on defense, beating Oregon 17-14 in overtime. If the Cardinal beat UCLA next week, they get to play UCLA in the Pac-12 Championship the following week. If they win that game, they get to play in the Rose Bowl on UCLA’s home field, which might break the Bruins for good.
The Tigers beat NC State 62-48 behind Tajh Boyd’s eight touchdowns (five passing, three rushing). They play South Carolina in the Battle of the Palmetto State Saturday, with the losing school needing to leave the state for the next year.
13. South Carolina
The Gamecocks also played a cupcake, getting past Wofford 24-7. When asked to comment after the game, Steve Spurrier said, “I like waffles.” The Old Ball Coach is… old.
The Sooners prolonged West Virginia’s descent into the abyss, beating them 50-49. Mountaineers wide receiver Tavon Austin ran for a school-record 344 yards and had a Big 12 record 572 all-purpose yards, because Dana Holgorsen is perfecting the beautiful loss. After the game, Geno Smith was seen wandering aimlessly in Morgantown, unable to even enjoy the odd burning coach or car on the street.
The Bruins beat USC 38-28 behind 171 rushing yards and two touchdowns from Johnathan Franklin. Even better, they found the source of USC’s power: the sword.
16. Oregon State
Quarterback Sean Mannion finally returned to form, as the Beavers beat Cal 62-14. It will likely be Jeff Tedford’s final game as coach of the Golden Bears. We know what you’re thinking: yes, Jeff Tedford is still at Cal.
The Cornhuskers beat Minnesota 38-14, because Minnesota is not good at football. Taylor Martinez became Nebraska’s all-time career passing leader during the game, so maybe we didn’t misinterpret the Mayans after all.
The Longhorns took the week off to allow Mack Brown to negotiate some rights deals. They play TCU Thanksgiving night.
The Cardinals took the week off because their patriarch Papa John has to make millions of pizzas for Peyton Manning. They play Connecticut Saturday.
With Devin Gardner starting again at quarterback, the Wolverines beat Iowa 42-17. To thank Denard Robinson on senior day, no one tied their shoes in the Big House. The casualties were staggering.
Backup running back Savon Huggins ran for 179 yards as the Scarlet Knights beat Cincinnati 10-3. Huggins was so excited after the game that he even let his teammates hug him, but only briefly.
22. Oklahoma State
The Cowboys crushed Texas Tech 59-21 thanks in large part to a breakout game from receiver Isaiah Anderson. The game also featured the return of oil-baron-sounding quarterback J.W. Walsh, who threw for a touchdown and ran for a touchdown despite the vision-obscuring ten-gallon hat under his helmet.
23. Kent State
The Golden Flashes beat Bowling Green 31-24, earning a berth in their first MAC title game. Dri Archer ran for 241 yards and two touchdowns for the Golden Flashes – archery is still having its moment post-Olympics.
24. Northern Illinois
The Huskies beat Toledo 31-24 to clinch their own spot in the MAC title game. It was their 21st straight home victory, the longest active streak in the country. “You can’t just walk into DeKalb and expect an easy day,” said someone, probably.
25. Utah State (tie)
The Aggies beat Louisiana Tech 48-41 in an overtime game that had 1275 yards of total offense, making them the last WAC football champion for the foreseeable future, if not ever. Does that matter? No, not really.
25. Mississippi State (tie)
The Bulldogs beat Arkansas 45-14, kinda-sorta ending their SEC West skid. The win included contributions from players named Dak Prescott, Darius Slay, and Arceto Clark, so I think they’re just recruiting from Wookieepedia now.
Also receiving votes: Braden Pape, Montel Harris, running back Denard Robinson, The Game, missing Duck heads, the ACC Network’s insistence on using distant/decontextualized/terrible camera angles, empty stadiums, inexplicable QB sneaks, Derek Dooley’s job prospects, nausea-inducing finger/ankle injuries, Big Ten expansion, seniors.