Each week, we’ll bring you the AP’s college football rankings, and throw in our patented mix of bitchy sarcastic analysis and incredibly premature snap judgments. Enjoy!
The Ducks pulled away in the third quarter, turning a close game into a 59-17 blowout over California. “Throw em in the chipper!” said Chip Kelly, whose attempts to find a catchphrase have become increasingly deranged.
2. Kansas State
Pushing themselves ever closer to a national championship berth, the Wildcats beat TCU 23-10. Bill Snyder attributed the win to his disdain for horned frogs, “They’re just so flashy. What’s wrong with being a normal frog, you know?
3. Notre Dame
In what would only count as an upset effort in the eyes of BC diehards, the Fighting Irish beat the Eagles 21-6. Reached in Rome, Pope Benedict XVI said, “I love both of these teams like they are family, but it is good that BC knows their place.” He then released Baldwin, the Eagles’ mascot, from his “protective room” in the center of Vatican City.
In a shocking upset, the Crimson Tide lost to Texas A&M, 29-24. After the game, Nick Saban was as terse and gruff as ever. When he walked into the locker room, his players’ somber post-defeat noises were immediately silenced, and all eyes turned to him. Saban took a minute to stare every player in the eye, attempting to identify each man’s deepest insecurities. Then, for the first time all season, he smiled. This smile crept steadily across his face, as he turned around and shut the door to the media. There has been no public comment from any player since.
The Bulldogs continued their march through the SEC Rest, torching Auburn 38-0. Regarding the win, Mark Richt said, “the Tigers are not very good.” In unison, the team chimed in, “awwwww, burn!” They were very bored in practice this week.
6. Ohio State
The Buckeyes took the week off because it’s not like this season matters to them anyway. They play Wisconsin Saturday.
The Gators needed a touchdown return from a blocked punt with 2 seconds to go, but they beat Louisiana-Lafayette 27-20. It was a hard-fought win for Will Muschamp, who already makes a point of Ragin’ harder than Cajuns on a regular basis.
Ending Mississippi State’s foray into the upper tiers of the SEC, the Tigers won 37-17. Asked about his team’s win, Les Miles said, “Don’t you dare challenge a wounded hyena. Nothing’s more dangerous than a wary predator.”
9. Texas A&M
The Aggies upended Alabama in Tuscaloosa, emerging with a 29-24 win. Maligned A&M kicker Taylor Bertolet did everything he could to lose the game, missing a field goal, missing a PAT, and referring to Nick Saban as “Nicky Football.”
10. Florida State
The Seminoles played in Blacksburg Thursday night, needing a last-minute touchdown to beat Virginia Tech 28-22. It was a close game for FSU, who has struggled on the road this year. They tend to play with greater organization and efficiency in Florida, attributes the state is very much known for.
The Tigers continued their offensive trouncing of the rest of the ACC, beating Maryland 45-10. It was an uneven playing field, though, because they were playing Maryland.
12. South Carolina
The Gamecocks beat Arkansas 38-20. Both schools – the SEC’s last two entrants prior to this season – are glad the game’s over, because now they have time to plot the demise of conference newbies Missouri and Texas A&M.
The Sooners beat Baylor 42-34, needing an onside recovery from Lacoltan Bester with about a minute to go to secure the victory. After the game, Bester returned to his normal post, defending the realm from marauding hordes.
The Cardinal beat Oregon State 27-23 thanks in part to Stepfan Taylor’s 114 rushing yards and 1 touchdown. After the game, Taylor celebrated the win by watching his favorite movie, Step up 2: The Streets.
15. Oregon State
The Beavers simply didn’t have enough offense to get past Stanford, falling 27-23. The loss hit running back Storm Woods especially hard, because he considers Stanford grad Tiger Woods a vital confidant. “No one understands what we go through,” said the younger Woods, obviously referring to the seven toes each has on their left foot.
The Cornhuskers beat Penn State 32-23, but this was another game that was scripted beforehand. The two schools, who are the Big 10’s newest members, got wind of the Arkansas-South Carolina SEC revolution and decided to take it a step further, aiming for the entire Big Ten and tailoring a strategy for their opponents. If everything goes well they believe they will have full control of the conference in 6-11 years.
The Bruins retained their Pac-12 South lead with their fourth straight win, beating Washington State 44-36. This was despite being outgained by nearly 200 yards and out-possessed by over ten minutes. The lesson, as always, is that the Cougars’ box scores don’t correlate to the rules of the universe. (And that Wazzu will always find a way to lose.)
The Longhorns beat Iowa State 33-7 in a game that was never close. Mack Brown began to bemoan his team’s irrelevance after the game, before ISU head coach Paul Rhoads burst in and said, “You think you’re irrelevant? No one knows who we are. We’d love to be bandied about in conference realignment talks. We’re named after a fucking Baby Bash song!”
19. Louisiana Tech
Continuing their bid to be the most exciting team in a third-tier bowl, the Bulldogs beat Texas State 62-55. This game was shown on the Longhorn Network, but Mack Brown will not get credit for the win.
Teddy Bridgewater’s undefeated campaign fittingly came to an end this week, as the Cardinals lost to Syracuse 45-26. Orange receiver Alec Lemon caught 9 passes for 176 yards and 2 touchdowns. Clearly, Louisville’s natural enemy is citrus.
The Trojans beat Arizona State 38-17 thanks in part to Marqise Lee’s 10 catches for 161 yards and a touchdown. He almost missed the game because of an allergic reaction that made his face swell up, an issue he explained thusly: “I’ve always been scared of devils, and combined with the awesome power of the sun, I haven’t slept in four days. This reaction was bound to happen.”
The Scarlet Knights responded to their loss against Kent State by beating Army 28-7. This pleases superfan Rutger Hauer.
23. Michigan (tie)
The Wolverines knocked Northwestern out of Rose Bowl contention, beating them 38-31 in an overtime thriller. They were led by Devin Gardner, whose misunderstanding of the Northwest Ordinance has bred an astonishing disdain for Northwestern as an institution.
23. Texas Tech (tie)
They need two overtimes, but the Red Raiders eventually beat Kansas 41-34. It’s fortunate that Texas Tech won, because Tommy Tuberville’s reaction to a loss could have been catastrophic.
25. Kent State
The Golden Flashes beat Miami (OH) 48-32 and became the third MAC team from Ohio to make an appearance in the rankings. Someone tell the voters that this is over and we don’t need to worry about Ohio so much anymore.
Getty photo, by Mike Zarrilli