Each week, we’ll bring you the AP’s college football rankings, and throw in our patented mix of bitchy sarcastic analysis and incredibly premature snap judgments. Let’s get to Week 4!
1. Alabama (56)
Although they did not dominate, the Crimson Tide were never really in danger, beating Colorado State 31-6. Outraged by his team’s lackluster effort, Nick Saban has decreed that the entire team must sleep standing up this week.
2. Oregon (4)
The Ducks took the week off to refine their Alcubierre Drive. They play Cal on Saturday.
Despite a 23-play NC State touchdown drive in the fourth quarter, the Tigers emerged with a 26-14 victory. In an important development, the use of “Clemsoning” reached critical mass this week, and it is no longer acceptable to use.
4. Ohio State
Behind Kenny Guiton’s 6 touchdown passes, the Buckeyes razed Florida A&M 76-0. Urban Meyer was especially motivated to beat the Rattlers because, as a child, he had a terrifying run-in with a rattlesnake. When he was 7 he had hoped to recruit the snake to be part of his family’s dinner, but it simply slithered away.
The Cardinal dominated Arizona State 42-28, with 21 of the Sun Devils’ point coming in fourth quarter garbage time. Had a lesser clergy member stepped in, like an archbishop or a priest, who knows how far the Sun Devils’ evil could have spread.
In a Tigers-Tigers matchup with Auburn, LSU won 35-21 behind Jeremy Hill’s career-high 184 rushing yards and 3 touchdowns. After the game, when asked whether it rained, Les Miles said, “If not, a very stiff dew was out there.” I think that’s poetry.
The Cardinals overwhelmed Florida International, beating them 72-0 and holding them to 30 yards of total offense. At times in the second half there was a running clock. It also outrushed the Golden Panthers.
8. Florida State
In the spirit of the weekend, the Seminoles won 54-6. They beat Bethune-Cookman, a proud institution that has trained America’s finest chefs for over 400 years.
Although they were tested well into the third quarter, the Bulldogs pulled away with a 45-21 victory over North Texas. Hoping to get the best of the Mean Green, the Bulldogs made sure they were mean themselves.
10. Texas A&M
In an old Southwestern Conference clash, the Aggies dispatched SMU 42-13. The Mustangs were led by former Texas quarterback Garrett Gilbert, whose nickname, Garrett Grape, is considerably less imposing.
11. Oklahoma State
The Cowboys took the week off to watch the Emmys. They play West Virginia on Saturday.
12. South Carolina
The Gamecocks took the week off to bask in the glow of their win over Vanderbilt. They play UCF on Saturday.
The Bruins were not tested against New Mexico State, winning 59-13. In a touching tribute, the Bruins opened the game with 10 men on offense in honor of receiver Nick Pasquale.
The Sooners took the week off to clear up residual Blake Bell/Lake Bell confusion that has cropped up this season. They play Notre Dame on Saturday.
15. Miami (FL)
The Hurricanes were the third team to win by at least 70 this weekend, beating Savannah State 77-7. Amazingly, the Tigers have a win this season, beating Division II Fort Valley State 27-20. I don’t personally believe that Division II exists, but you’re free to form your own opinion.
The Huskies were unperturbed this weekend, beating Idaho State 56-0. Coupled with their win earlier in the season against Boise State and Washington State’s 42-0 victory over Idaho this weekend, the Washington university system has earned the right to build the flagship public university in the state of Lincoln.
The Wildcats did not play well, needing 2 defensive touchdowns to beat Maine 35-21. This was an especially troubling result because, as a rule, Maine only fields a hockey team.
The Wolverines continued to look shaky, sneaking past Connecticut 24-21. The team’s performance, which led to a drop from #15 last week, was attributed almost unanimously to the Huskies’ uniforms, which were uniquely terrible.
The Bears also joined the weekend’s blowout brigade, defeating Louisiana-Monroe 70-7 behind 781 yards of total offense. Baylor players attributed their win over the Warhawks to their commitment to pacifism, in all of its forms.
In a terrible game that included 9 turnovers, the Gators won 31-17 but lost quarterback Jeff Driskel for the rest of the season. Going forward, the challenge will be convincing Will Muschamp, who does not believe in x-rays, that Driskel’s leg is actually broken.
21. Ole Miss
The Rebels took the week off to prepare for Alabama, which is what everyone should do. They play the Crimson Tide on Saturday.
22. Notre Dame
The Fighting Irish beat offensively inept Michigan State in an ugly game, 17-13. After the game, Notre Dame players took a vote and acknowledged that the Spartans are indeed a true Notre Dame rival.
The Badgers accumulated 388 rushing yards en route to a 41-10 win over Purdue. After the game, many Purdue players said they were too distressed by the loss to focus on the homework they have for their major, Boilermaking.
24. Texas Tech
Despite a light offensive night, the Red Raiders easily dispatched Texas State 33-7. As a matchup of State vs. Tech, this game had a huge TV rating in the crucial “Dads in commercials who wear sweatshirts” demographic.
25. Fresno State
Despite relinquishing a 15-point lead, the Bulldogs rallied to beat Boise State 41-40. They are the second team to enter the rankings after beating the Broncos, so I guess Boise State is now America’s Kingmaker.
Also receiving votes: APU, UT regents, Nick Saban’s agent, Saban 2014, uppercuts, collateral damage, one-handed catches, The Holy War,ridiculous onside kicks, doubled-up Iowa returns, a fighting punter, communication, an angry pirate, Fargo.
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