Each week, we’ll bring you the AP’s college football rankings, and throw in our patented mix of bitchy sarcastic analysis and incredibly premature snap judgments. Let’s get to Week 8!
1. Alabama (55)
Unfazed by the upsets around the rest of the SEC, the Crimson Tide gave Arkansas a 52-0 beatdown. Because of the shutout, Nick Saban went easy on his team after the game, simply reminding them that they’re lucky not to play at Grambling.
2. Oregon (3)
While not as dominant as recent wins, the Ducks were able to put Washington State away 62-38. After the game, Oregon defensive coordinator Nick Aliotti said Cougars head coach Mike Leach was “low class” for having quarterback Connor Halliday throw an FBS-record 89 times. I agree with Aliotti, because we do not spend enough time creating class divisions based on playcalling.
3. Florida State (2)
In what was supposed to be the weekend’s marquee game, the Seminoles crushed Clemson 51-14. It was never close, and I fear the 500 “Jimbo & Dabo & Jaboo & Tajh” shirts I ordered will go unsold.
4. Ohio State
Although the game was tied heading into the fourth quarter, the Buckeyes were able to emerge with a 34-24 win over Iowa. As a result, they will retain the prestigious Hawkeye-Buckeye Eye Trophy. It’s a gigantic eye.
The Tigers extended their hegemony over the rest of the SEC East, beating an anemic Florida team 36-17. Even better, in a turn of accidental brilliance Will Muschamp referred to Mizzou as “New Miss” all week.
The Bears had a walkthrough this week, beating Iowa State 71-7. With Art Briles calling Oregon, “The Baylor of the Northwest” and the program’s Twitter account putting the rest of the country on notice, they also beat hubris this week.
7. Miami (FL)
The Hurricanes needed a touchdown from Dallas Crawford with 16 seconds left, but they were able to beat UNC 27-23. The Tar Heels marketed this game as Zero Dark Thursday, but unfortunately positioned Miami as Seal Team 6.
Further obscuring the Pac-12 hierarchy below Oregon, the Cardinal beat UCLA 24-10. This was in part thanks to Kodi Whitfield, who… just watch this catch,
The Tigers had a rough weekend, losing to Florida State 51-14 at home. In fact, Clemson’s highlight of the weekend was almost certainly courtesy of Bill Murray.
10. Texas Tech
Davis Webb threw for a pedestrian 462 yards as the Red Raiders beat West Virginia 37-27. According to the rigorous calculations I just made, if Webb had been playing under former Tech coach Mike Leach this weekend, he would have had 822 yards passing.
The Tigers were at the forefront of the power shift in the SEC this weekend, beating Texas A&M 45-41. I am sure the state of Alabama will handle this ranking with poise.
With Brett Hundley held to under 200 yards passing, the Bruins fell to Stanford 24-10. I must confess that I was fooled this week. Honestly, I just thought these teams were going to get together and discuss Utah, who they’ve both played the last two weeks, over biscotti or a nice cup of tea. So this game was a real surprise for me.
The Tigers lost to Ole Miss 27-24 in the Magnolia Bowl, making this weekend one of the few instances in which Les Miles has followed the crowd. Thankfully, he also had these thoughts about Columbus Day this week.
14. Texas A&M
The Aggies had a difficult weekend, losing to Auburn 45-41 and seeing another Johnny Football injury whose seriousness is not clear. In addition, I fear that Football may have been sabotaged this week.
15. Fresno State
Derek Carr set school career records for completions and touchdown passes as the Bulldogs beat UNLV 38-14. After the game, he also announced that he had been named the “Best-Looking Carr Brother in School History.” It may not be an official designation.
16. Virginia Tech
The Hokies took the week off to marvel at the majestic fall foliage. They play Duke on Saturday.
The Sooners beat Kansas, a team they absolutely should have immediately blown out, by the modest score of 34-19. One Oklahoma touchdown came on an endaround pass from receiver Lacoltan Bester, this week’s reminder that your own name may be inadequate.
Despite being down 28-7 at one point in the third quarter, Blake Bortles and UCF came back to defeat the Cardinals 38-35. You could call it a fatality, if you were so inclined.
19. Oklahoma State
Substituting quarterback Clint Chelf in for Texan stereotype J.W. Walsh, the Cowboys comfortably beat TCU 24-10. With both teams muddling along toward the bottom of the polls and showing no real spark, I am already dreading Bedlam this year.
20. South Carolina
In addition to losing Connor Shaw to injury, the Gamecocks were upset by Tennessee 23-21. Remember when South Carolina defensive coordinator Lorenzo Ward said UNC was the fastest team he’d ever seen? Is it possible that South Carolina is just slow and not good?
The Golden Knights upset Louisville 38-35 to take poll position in the American Athletic Conference. When asked about ruining Louisville’s perfect season, Blake Bortles said, “Perfection is a subjective concept and I only aspire to do my best.” It was not a satisfying answer for anyone involved.
Behind 142 rushing yards and three touchdowns from Melvin Gordon, the Badgers beat Illinois 56-32. This was especially important because the hockey team embarrassed itself this weekend.
23. Northern Illinois
Behind 316 rushing yards from Jordan Lynch, an FBS quarterback record, the Huskies beat Central Michigan 38-17. This game was played in Kelly/Shorts Stadium, because the Chippewas have serious opinions about summer wear.
In a rare Big Ten shootout, the Wolverines beat Indiana 63-47. As for why they’ve returned to the rankings, I guess voters just can’t help themselves? Or maybe there aren’t 25 teams that should be ranked? I don’t know, don’t take Michigan seriously.
The Cornhuskers took the week off to prepare Big Ten care baskets (corn on the cob, purified water from the Great Lakes, a stopwatch with “4.7” on it, and no peanuts) for AP voters. They play Minnesota on Saturday.
Also receiving votes: Bill Murray vs. students, Notre Dame winning another fucking shillelagh, the Bronze Boot, father-son bonding,sadomasochism, Marquez North, Michigan fans, Arnold Palmer embracing the devil, getting to the chopper, losing the coach, kickers being kickers, whatever’s happening to Georgia’s injured players, awkward celebration.
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