You’re going to want to sit down for this one, America.
The National Chicken Council (yes, there’s a National Chicken Council, and I’m just as surprised as you, but snap out of it, there are more important things happening here) has announced that, ahead of the Super Bowl, the biggest chicken wing-eating day of the year…
This year, it’s the National Chicken Council taking Mother Nature and the federal government to task for a shortfall in the production of chicken wings that will hold consumption to 1.23 billion wing segments during the 2013 Super Bowl, 12.3 million less than last year.
Twelve. Point. Three. Million. Less. Than. Last. Year.
Now, before you panic and place a wholesale order from Anchor Bar — which is precisely what I’m doing after I hit the “Publish” button, and I recommend you do the same, if you value your life — we need to take a look at why this happened.
Why this terrible, terrible thing happened.
The reason for the shortage is that prices for corn and feed (which is what we use to fatten up dumb, flightless birds before they’re sacrificed to our bellies) are at an all time high. Due to this rise in operational cost, chicken companies are producing less chickens. Which means less chicken wings.
Oh, and also: God hates us. The much-publicized drought of 2012 helped contribute to those rising costs for corn and feed. The government also has a hand in your misery, since the feds now mandate 40 percent of all corn crops be turned into fuel in the form of ethanol.
So, yeah, through your sobbing, you better order your wings now. Because soon, those delicious spicy snacks will be used as American currency, and vast stretches of the United States will be ruled by potbellied, sauce-faced warlords.
All hail Wing King Zorn, Master of the Northern Basin.
[h/t Mash, image via]