When Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe writes something, you should read it. His latest piece takes you through the 24 hours before a typical NFL game, as experienced by a potty-mouthed punter.
Read the whole thing, but here are some especially interesting insights from the article.
8am – Special teams meeting. Give every indication of alertness while silently thinking of ways to successfully invade Russia in winter. Nod vaguely and grunt if name is called.
9am – Team meeting. Drink another Gatorade, try to avoid urinating in pants (no one wants a repeat of ’07). Make a beeline for bathroom once meeting ends.
Punters preventing peeing!
10:30am – Mock game.
10:31am – Make a mockery of mock game.
11am – Mock game ends, run to shower barely in front of stampeding herd.
12:45pm – TSA patdown/groping/arranged marriage. Emerge disheveled, but unscathed. Collect books and dignity, head to bus.
I can only assume that special-teamers are the only ones who actually have to put up with TSA.
4:35pm – Check into room, browse available adult movie selection to learn what current city views as acceptable morals.
Is there Tebow porn in Colorado/Florida/New York?
4:45pm – “Shower”.
8:30pm – Special teams meeting. Refine Russian invasion plans. Clap briefly when projector fails and no one can fix it.
9pm – Team meeting. Pretend to enjoy inspirational team video with horribly chosen current rap/R&B song. Think of ways to permanently destroy autotune.
9:15pm – Team snack. Wonder briefly at how a five course buffet line with complete roast suckling pig can be considered a ‘snack’. Fill bowl with chocolate ice cream and hot fudge until spillage seems certain. Return to room to gorge upon saturated fats.
Chris Kluwe is the Vince Young of punters.
9:30pm – Pass out in ice cream induced torpor. Dream of diabetic sheep.
11am – Watch rest of team warm up. Continue to refine Russian invasion plans.
12pm – Game starts. Immediately begin counting down time until game ends. Glance wistfully at hotdog vendors. Punt occasionally.
There you have it. The glamorous life of an NFL punter. Truly, no one could be more dedicated to their craft than us.
Indeed, Chris. And for all of you who think punters have it easy, go dream of diabetic sheep and be gone!