Welcome to “Pretty Much Screwed,” our definitive guide to the upcoming NFL season. This team-by-team preview details why your favorite franchise might have to start looking forward to next year — and highlights at least one reason for you to be hopeful. Today: we take a look at the Miami Dolphins.
The Miami Dolphins (and New York Jets and Buffalo Bills) have been Pretty Much Screwed every year since 2001, when the New England Patriots’ dynasty began. The Pats have won 10 of the past 12 AFC East titles, making a fight for a wild card berth the usual best-case scenario for the Phins.
But, wait! Not this year!
The Patriots harbored that (alleged) murderer, their Gronk is fragile as a MONK (LOL) and now your local troll is wondering, is the Patriot Way no longer a way? Did the Way ever exist? Does it now point towards DESTRUCTION? Or, just maybe, it was just a stupid media creation?
/troll circle completes
/troll’s head explodes
/world is a better place
But, seriously. The Patriots are fine. Betting odds suggest they have almost a 90% chance of winning the division. Anything can happen, except that anything probably won’t happen, and the best-case scenario for the Dolphins, again, is probably a Wild Card spot and a first-round exit.
But they’re so trendy! All the nice jocks on TV that hung up their jockstraps are calling them darkhorses!
Yeah, you guys are screwed. Trendy picks never come true. Just ask anyone that has ever filled out a March Madness bracket.
Your team is full of second-rate family members.
Charles Clay? Ever heard of
his uncle Cassius?
Joe Philbin? I raise you
And don’t even get me started on
Matt Mandy Moore, Lamar Marissa Miller or Mike Christopher Wallace. I could do this all day.
Speaking of names, you have a player named Marvin McNutt.
Unless Marvin Mc-Nutts all over the AFC, he will be an object of ridicule. His McNutt was sprinkled all over Pop Warner, high school and Big 10 football fields, but the NFL will be a stiffer test for his heat-seeking dong. You’re McNuts if you think he’s going to be a factor, and the Dolphins could really use some help at receiver, where their second-best player is a white receiver from Ohio State, which means that no matter how good he is, we will discuss his “hands” and “toughness” and “deceptive speed” and his psyche will be destroyed and he will fail.
(Also: if you’re reading this, McDonald’s, new Happy Meal side idea: a sack of McNuts. Do this, if you’re serious about promoting healthful eating. And serving nuts to children.)
The “Hard Knocks” Curse!
Oh, you haven’t heard of the “Hard Knocks” curse? Well, I just made it up, and it states that: the year after a team appears on HBO’s “Hard Knocks” their chemistry is decimated, and their effort is nonexistent without cameras around, and they fail. Miserably. Of seven teams, just two have made the playoffs, and the only playoff win came from the Cowboys, with Tony Romo under center. Which means I clearly just made a typo, and the Dolphins are screwed.
The truth is, you guys are so mediocre I just want to make you into store-brand vanilla ice cream and leave you in my freezer, never to be consumed.
You guys are boring. Mediocre. Your offense isn’t explosive, and you got rid of Reggie Bush. Yes, you got Mike Wallace, but replacing your one explosive with another explosive does not make you explosive. You guys are boring.
The Dolphins were 21st in total DVOA last year, 22nd in offense, 14th in defense. Solid improvements in both seem possible, probably even likely. You got Wallace, Tannehill is a year older, you added some other pieces (Brent Grimes, Dannell Ellerve, Philip Wheeler, Tyson Clabo, Dustin Keller, Dion Jordan), and that should offset the losses of Bush, Davone Bess, and even Jake Long. Improvement is likely.
But, yeah. You’re looking likely to go from below average to mediocre. That’s not a good thing. I don’t want to talk about you guys. If you get a couple bounces, you’re a Wild Card team. You miss a few, you’re 6-10. Betting odds have your estimated win total at just under 8, and that’s so accurate it might spawn into Aaron Rodgers. That doesn’t make sense. Seriously, I’m bored.
Two reasons you might not be screwed: Your quarterback has a history of defying the odds, and shielding himself from the heat that makes weak-minded QBs wilt.
And you play both the Bills and Jets twice.
Actual season prediction: 6-10, third in AFC East. Yes, I picked the Jets above you. I never said you should listen to me.