Why do we know who Brady Quinn is? We know Brady Quinn because he was a very good college quarterback, and he went to Notre Dame. He has done nothing else of note, outside of the weight room, or the bedroom.
Ignoring the fact that, despite bench pressing like an offensive lineman, Brady Quinn cannot throw the ten-yard out, the three yard out, or the one-yard screen pass without endangering the lives of his receivers, the Cleveland Browns drafted him in the first round. He now carries that Fighting Irish first-round pedigree, shared with fellow douchebro utensil Jimmy Clausen, which means teams will inexplicably take a chance of his lack of talent, upside and sleeves in his wardrobe.
The New York Jets — yes, the New York Tebow Sanchez Santonio Hype-Trade Orgies — supposedly are interested in Brady Quinn, another oft-discussed, muscular quarterback who has a weak, inaccurate arm. He inspired the same (deluded) headline that Tim Tebow inspired — Quarterback Too Muscular To Play Quarterback, Because That’s Totally The Issue And Not His Inaccuracy And Everything Else. Because, Tebow and Quinn know this is the only thing holding them from stardom, because it’s so obvious, but they just refuse to cede an inch of bicep and 50 grams of carbs for five points of completion percentage.
And for the record, the first-round tag that gives Quinn a semblance of attractiveness is absolute bullshit. There were teams that liked him, but the Browns honestly didn’t even make a big mistake picking him. They wanted a quarterback, and he actually is close to the second-best quarterback to come out of the draft. He was picked behind JaMarcus Russell — whose own voluptuous body the Jets of course also wanted to explore, whatever that means — and picked ahead of Kevin Kolb, John Beck, Drew Stanton, Trent Edwards, Isaiah Stanback, Jeff Rowe, Troy Smith, Jordan Palmer and Tyler Thigpen.
The only mediocre quarterback in the 2007 NFL Draft class was Matt Moore, and he went undrafted out of Oregon State. Brady Quinn is a middle-tier quarterback in the 2007 draft class, which is like being the second-best cheap beer you drank in college. Brady Quinn is the Natty Light of the 2007 NFL Draft class, in more ways than one. Matt Moore is Miller High Life.
My first thought was that this was to create a rigged competition for Mark Sanchez, because nobody could possibly lose to BRADY MUSCLEBAGS QUINN, right? Gang Green Nation echoed my sentiment. But, first of all, never count on Mark Sanchez to NOT f— things up. And second of all, isn’t that what we did with Tebow, last year? I knew he wouldn’t beat out Sanchez (though that was before Sanchez became the rancid buttfumbler he is today), but Rex Ryan created the aura of a “competition,” anyway.
But this is 120-pound dumbbells worse than the Tebow situation. Tebow, though polarizing, is widely-liked, and he had the whole athlete/punt protector thing going for him. The prospect of Tebow sniffing my favorite team’s starting quarterback position made me consider relinquishing my fandom, but I was able to talk myself into it. Oh, the fake punts we’ll run! There is no upside to Brady Quinn. He doesn’t bring fans into the seats. He doesn’t sell jerseys (outside of South Bend). Perhaps he will bring effective nutritional habits and supplements to the locker room. I suppose that could help.
I beg of you, New York Jets: do not sign Brady Quinn. Do not steep lower than you have already steeped. Once you go Brady Quinn, you never recover. He will singlehandedly ruin this franchise. Don’t tank this year just to sell a few preseason protein shakes.
The only reasonable explanation goes beyond the football field, as was the case with Tebow. Maybe Rex Ryan just wants a bro. A bro with whom he can BANG SOME FRIGGIN’ BROADS.