NFL Mock drafts are dumb. I don’t mean to insult Todd McShay and Mel Kiper and other draft experts, but they’re purely for entertainment value. There’s nothing wrong with that, yet people take them way too seriously, because when your team (example: the Jets) craps out in late December (example: Mark Sanchez turns the ball over 5 times), you need something to keep yourself sane and delusionally optimistic (example: that Ryan Nassib sure looks like the next Joe Namath!).
McShay and Kiper are by all accounts hardworking and talented, but their value is in their scouting reports and keeping us entertained. It’s not because their mock drafts are accurate. They’re not, because mock drafts are impossible and dumb.
So, our own Matt Rudnitsky, your average NCAA football/NFL fan, is going to try to beat them. He is not at all confident in his abilities, and though he isn’t clueless, he definitely thought Bjoern Werner was a Swedish underwear model like a month ago. He is not expecting to win, but he is hoping either he or this random Polish dude on a Polish NFL website (who appears to know a lot more than Matt does), bests McShay and Kiper, just so he can make fun of them and the inanity of mock drafts.
Matt has read two full mock drafts all offseason, and scrolled down to the Jets pick, while crying, a few other times. He has no inside sources, and he’s starting this at 11:30 am the day of the draft, and he promises to be done by noon. His awful, hasty predictions are disclosed below, and he hopes they are slightly less awful than the field’s.
1) Kansas City Chiefs: Eric Fisher, OT, Central Michigan
When you have a chance to take the best offensive lineman in the MAC with the first overall pick, you take it.
2) Jacksonville Jaguars: Geno Smith, QB, West Virginia
I watched him once and thought he was good. Bold prediction: he’ll be less putrid than Blaine Gabbert.
3) Oakland Raiders: Luke Joeckel, OT, Texas A&M
Expert scouting analysis: Al Davis is dead (RIP), so Denard Robinson will not be their quarterback of the future (I think).
4) Philadelphia Eagles: Lane Johnson, OT, Oklahoma
Chip Kelly will do something smart here. I don’t know if this pick would be smart, but people tell me that picking offensive linemen is smart.
5) Detroit Lions: Dee Milliner, CB, Alabama
To get the ball back after Matt Stafford looks cool, sidearming it away.
6) Cleveland Brons: Dion Jordan, OLB, Oregon
I remember him being the No. 2 overall pick in mock drafts, I think. He went to Oregon, so he’s fast. If I drop him much lower, I might look even more stupid than I’ll already look.
NOTE: I accidentally spelled Browns, “Brons,” and I thought it was comical. I left it. I swear I know how to spell “Browns.” See, I did it right there! The Brons should pick Bron.
7) Arizona Cardinals: Jonathan Cooper, G, North Carolina
I know that the Cardinals always have an awful offensive line, which is why John is a tattered Skeleton and their team always sucks. Kurt Warner was formerly abused. I know it’s either Cooper or Chance Warmack. Everybody knows Warmack, so I went contrarian. My mock draft is edgy.
8) Buffalo Bills: Matt Barkley, QB, USC
I warned you; I’m edgy. Make me look stupid, Bills.
9) New York Jets: Tavon Austin, WR, West Virginia
Plz no Barkley, Te’o or Eifert… plz plz plz…
10) Tennessee Titans: Sharrif Floyd, DT, Florida
I don’t know.
11) San Diego Chargers: Star Lotulelei, DT, Utah
I think he can be a star (you didn’t see that coming, did you?).
12) Miami Dolphins: Chance Warmack, G, Alabama
I know that he’s really good, but that teams don’t like picking guards early in drafts. I’m going to put “Draft Expert” in my Twitter bio now.
13) New York Jets (from Buccaneers): Jarvis Jones, OLB, Georgia
For some reason, my mind is mixing him up with Von Miller. Again, I am an expert.
14) Carolina Panthers: Sheldon Richardson, DT, Missouri
I know that the Panthers defense sucked but Luke Kuechly got lots of tackles, which means the defensive line is bad. I’m pretty sure.
15) New Orleans Saints: Barkevious Mingo, DE/OLB, LSU
I’ve heard he’s “raw” and “athletic,” which is code for he could be amazing or awful, which is code for I’m covering my ass.
16) St. Louis Rams: Kenny Vaccaro, FS, Texas
I think they need a safety. This article says I’ll be wrong.
17) Pittsburgh Steelers: Bjoern Werner, DE, FSU
I found out that Bjoern wasn’t a Swedish underwear model when I heard some mock drafter project him as the second pick. I think it was the Polish guy. I should probably have someone pick him now. The Steelers steal Bjoern here.
18) Dallas Cowboys: Sylvester Williams, DT, UNC
They’ve had a gaping hole in the interior since Tank Johnson killed those guys or did whatever it was that he did.
19) New York Giants: D.J. Hayden, CB, Houston
I think my Giants fan friends complained about cornerbacks last season.
20) Chicago Bears: Manti Te’o, MLB, Notre Dame
Kiper and McShay agreed on this. They never agree, because they are employed by ESPN.
21) Cincinnati Bengals: Eddie Lacy, RB, Alabama
They need a running back, right?
22) St. Louis (from Washington): Cordarrelle Patterson, WR, Tennessee
I think he’s the one that’s “raw” and “talented” with “character concerns.” I like those guys.
23) Minnesota Vikings: Justin Hunter, WR, Tennessee
They need a receiver because Percy Harvin.
24) Indianapolis Colts: Tank Carradine, DE, FSU
I saw someone say he’s a steal, on Twitter, the other day.
25) Minnesota Vikings (from Seattle): Alec Ogletree, MLB, Georgia
I’m going to stick with the “Kiper and McShay agreed” rule. I think there were only two instances.
26) Green Bay Packers: Alex Okafor, DE, Texas
I just picked someone random and I’m completely clueless right now. This is hard. Alex Okafor sounds like he’s good. He’s probably tall and Emeka’s brother.
27) Houston Texans: DeAndre Hopkins, WR, Clemson
I sort of know him, and I like him.
28) Denver Broncos: Datone Jones, DE, UCLA
They don’t need an offender, they need a defender.
29) New England Patriots: Keenan Allen, WR, Cal
You realize the Patriots are starting two white wide receivers right now, and neither is Wes Welker? (Danny Amendola and Julian Edelman.)
30) Atlanta Falcons: Xavier Rhodes, CB, FSU
I know they need a cornerback (they lost Brent Grimes and Dunta Robinson), and I think other people had Rhodes a while earlier.
31) San Francisco 49ers: Jonathan Cyprien, S, FIU
They have 1,600 picks in this draft and are already really good. So, they’ll pick the best available player. I don’t know who the best available player is. This is my guess. This is my story. This is an NFL Mock Draft.
32) Baltimore Ravens: Ezekiel Ansah, DE, BYU
God, this was hard. I’ll be happy if I get one correct.
Here is McShay’s final mock draft. Here is Kiper’s. Here is Matt Miller’s from Bleacher Report, because he has lots of Twitter followers which means he is very knowledgable (seriously, though, he knows his stuff, too). Here is the Polish guy’s. The Polish guy’s was done on February 27th, so he’s at a disadvantage. But I don’t know anything, so we’ll call it a wash.
For the record, you can bet on McShay vs. Kiper, on BetOnline. I guess McShay’s odds are better because Kiper is not a human; he is a ram. And he’s older. For this competition, I’ll set the odds as such.
Todd McShay, ESPN, +250
Mel Kiper, ESPN, +250
Matt Miller, Bleacher Report, +250
Matt Rudnitsky, SportsGrid, +800
Polish Guy, Polish NFL Website, Poland, +400
Good luck, gentlemen. And may the luckiest, least prepared man, win. Results and self-deprecation to come, tomorrow.