NFL Week 1 is over, which means NFL Week 2 is coming, if my calculations are accurate. This means we must do NFL Power Rankings, because we are a society that must rank things.
Before I rank every NFL team, I will rank fast food restaurants:
1. Taco Bell/KFC Combo
2. Five Guys
4. European McDonald’s
5. White Castle
7. Jimmy John’s
10. Panda Express
In-N-Out is ineligible because East Coast Bias.
Our rankings are based mainly on the thoughts of oddsmakers, via futures odds and current point spreads. There are minor tweaks based on ambiguity. These power rankings are not my power rankings. As I will reiterate all year, I’m not an expert, because nobody is an expert.
1. San Francisco 49ers
If the New York Post were located in San Francisco:
“San Fran 69s Fudge Packers”
2. Denver Broncos
There are Broncos fans that exist who were upset Peyton replaced Tebow.
3. Seattle Seahawks
5’11” Russell Wilson beats Alien Cam Newton, and a little Jewish boy in Chappaqua quits 5th grade to enter the NFL Draft. Stop giving people false hope, Russell.
4. New England Patriots
It’s not racist; you really can’t tell that Danny Amendola isn’t Wes Welker.
5. Green Bay Packers
The Packers tried to fix their awful offensive line by drafting a highly-touted running back. That always works.
6. Houston Texans
They needed a Philip Rivers pick-six to escape with a win. However, Philip Rivers’ presence in this situation was akin to a White Castle’s when you’re constipated.
7. New Orleans Saints
We saw a black president before we saw the Saints defense play well.
8. Atlanta Falcons
The Falcons scored 17 points on the Saints.
9. Dallas Cowboys
If you didn’t know that Jason Garrett went to Princeton, you would go through at least 25 NFL coaches before guessing he was the one.
10. Chicago Bears
Beating a ginger quarterback should count as a half-win.
11. Cincinnati Bengals
Having a ginger quarterback should strip a team of playoff eligibility. Performance-inhibiting hair is immoral.
12. Detroit Lions
The Lions did unspeakably embarrassing Lions things, yet somehow won fairly easily. This was an entirely new development.
13. Baltimore Ravens
The Super Bowl Champions are ranked 13th, and they’re not underrated.
14. Miami Dolphins
Mike Wallace is pissed off that his team won. Great news.
15. Kansas City Chiefs
Jamaal Charles has two “A”s in his name. That’s cool.
16. New York Giants
You guys were awful.
17. Philadelphia Eagles
It was one win.
18. Washington Redskins
Robert Gimpin’ The Third.
19. Carolina Panthers
Cam Newton needs improper benefits for motivation. I suggest free weed.
20. Indianapolis Colts
Terrelle Pryor is the NFL’s leading rusher, thanks to the Colts.
21. Pittsburgh Steelers
hahahahaha you lost at home to the titans
22. St. Louis Rams
23. San Diego Chargers
Zero wins, one choke, no Heimlich’s, one River(s) flowing away from the playoffs.
24. Minnesota Vikings
Adrian Peterson gained 15 yards on 17 carries after his 78-yard touchdown. That bodes well.
25. Cleveland Browns
The Browns are the sleeper team with a shattered alarm clock.
26. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
You lost to the Jets.
27. New York Jets
Shut up, Jets haters. (Shit, we’re still 27th.)
28. Tennessee Titans
The lowest-ranked undefeated team on the list!
29. Arizona Cardinals
Carson Palmer is the savior.
30. Buffalo Bills
Almost beat the Patriots, get ranked 30th. Sorry.
31. Oakland Raiders
Terrelle Pryor would be good if he could throw or read defenses or play a different position. (Sound familiar?)
32. Jacksonville Jaguars