Nike, for all of you young folks that don’t know, is a sports apparel brand. They’ve got a fledgling brand, but they’re on the rise ever since somehow securing the rights to design NFL jerseys. Your dad may have worn their sweatpants to YMCA to practice his skyhook. They need to make a splash, and Super Bowl XLVII is the perfect stage. What can they do to shock the nation into buying some Nike products for a change, and steal some market share from those damn Reeboks and Starters and Umbros?
Well, they’ve done just that. Using their “Elite 51 technology,” Nike has created a uniform unlike anything you have ever seen. Make sure you’re sitting down for this. The new uniforms are on the left, the 2012 regular-season ones are on the right.
Wow! “Elite 51 technology” is simply groundbreaking:
This uniquely engineered chassis and baselayer combination provides everything an athlete needs and nothing he doesn’t need. Rooted in body-led design, the uniform system is built for a body-contoured fit resulting in zero distractions in order to help amplify speed.
No longer will you see pesky weight vests integrated into jerseys. No more pieces of wood sticking out. No scarves. No sequins. There is absolutely nothing on these uniforms that the athletes don’t need. These are designed for pure speed and athleticism. These uniforms, unlike most, were designed for the human body. This jersey isn’t distracted by other obligations, like fitting obese zebras. These jerseys are focused specialists. True Americans. Nike is being modest when it says these uniforms amplify speed. They maximize speed. They push the boundaries of speed.
But you guys already know this! The Elite 51s have been used all season, providing us with the best, fastest, most athletic football season ever!!! Why do you think we’ve got all of these fast quarterbacks all of a sudden? PEJs are the new PEDs, but perfectly safe. And fans win! Did you know Colin Kaepernick and Robert Griffin III combined for fewer than 15-yards rushing in their senior seasons? It’s all in the jerseys!
The genius of these new uniforms is in their revolutionary design, rather the technology that has wowed you all season long, putting Nike back near the map. I mean, just look at the colors! Look at the contrast! Who knew you could improve something that was already groundbreaking! The only thing I’m mad about is that Nike held out a whole season when we could’ve been watching the Niners and Ravens like this, in high-definition, since Week 1.
We were unable to reach players for comment, but we think we can guess their reactions pretty accurately. Let’s give it a shot:
Ravens nose tackle Terrence Cody:
Did you know I’m 350 pounds? I mean, look at me wearing this jersey. There’s no way you can tell I’m 350 pounds! I look 150, max. I love you, Nike. Is that how you pronounce it?
I want to thank God for making me the best player and man on Earth. I’m gonna win this Super Bowl for myself, I mean, the team. I love myself. I owe this to you guys, to show you how great I am. I love me. Thank me, you guys are the best.
Can’t wait to see these babies out on the field. Be ready for the slimmest, fastest Super Bowl ever.