Note: Because of the hurricane and resulting CHAOS, today’s NFL picks will be slightly abbreviated. Stay with us anyway, if you wouldn’t mind.
(Home team starred.)
Kansas City Chiefs (+7.5) over San Diego Chargers*
The smart money is on Kansas City, because neither team is good enough to blow the other out, let alone score seven points. 6 points on the Browns, San Diego? Yeah, six points on the Browns.
Denver Broncos (-3.5) over Cincinnati Bengals*
PEYTON MANNING IS BACK! PEYTON MANNING IS BACK! You know Peyton Manning’s back when his passes wobble like never before. (skip to 1:00). When he throws three picks and loses to the Bengals, cue the neck injury excuses.
Indianapolis Colts* (+2.5) over Miami Dolphins
See, leukemia is a good thing, guys! The Colts are 3-1 since Chuck Pagano left the team!
Robert Griffin III (-3)* over Cam Newton
Because that’s what this is really, right? RGIII recently said he’d rather be compared to Aaron Rodgers than Cam Newton, and everyone started losing their shit. “WHAT?!?! You run! He runs! Best friends!” God forbid RGIII wants to play like the best QB in the league.
Chicago Bears (-3.5) over Tennessee Titans*
Jay Cutler has the best QBR in the NFL in the 4th quarter, mostly because it neutralizes Chicago’s otherwise putrid offensive line. Needing points and unable to waste time, Chicago plays faster – Cutler gets rid of the ball quicker and plays don’t take as long to develop.
Everyone faps to Peyton Manning and Tom Brady’s hurry-up offense, yet refuses to do it themselves. You know why the hurry-up works? Because it’s chaos for the defense. Everything is rushed, players are tired and they can’t always get the right matchups. Teams score with alarming efficiency in two-minute drill situations, so why not employ this tactic for the rest of the game? No, no, let’s run the ball up the middle twice for one-yard and enjoy the eight yards to go on third down.
/high fives Norv Turner
Seattle Seahawks* (-5) over Minnesota Vikings
Watching Pete Carroll achieve NFL success is disappointing in light of his convenient departure from USC right before the sanctions were levied. But watching Russell Wilson take $26 million of Seattle’s money and flushing it down Matt Flynn’s toilet is positively thrilling. My emotions are tied in knots right now, and I just don’t know what to do. Maybe Pete Carroll will get leukemia, since leukemia CURES ALL ILLS.
New York Giants* (-3) over Pittsburgh Steelers
There’s so much hurricane mojo running through New York’s veins right now. I mean how does that Eli Manning photo not inspire you? Because this is obviously the derpiest thing ever. And no, I can’t believe this is the QB who has won two Super Bowls on game-winning drives either.
New Orleans Saints* (-3) over Philadelphia Eagles
Steve Spagnuolo really has had a rough go of things of late. After revamping the Giants defense and winning a Super Bowl, he took a franchise already buried in the ground and dug it ever so deeper. Then he took over the New Orleans Saints’ defense, which is now even more laughably terrible. I mean, they beat the Bucs because of dumb luck. First a receiver couldn’t quite keep his feet inbounds on a TD catch, and then another receiver steps out of bounds before catching a TD, therefore making his touching of the ball ineligible. And if you might remember, the New York Giants weren’t that good heading into the ’07 playoffs. I mean, in the first two games of the season, Spagnuolo’s defense gave up 80 points. So maybe he really just does kinda suck.
Green Bay Packers* (-11) over Arizona Cardinals
Baltimore Ravens (-3.5) over Cleveland Browns*
Houston Texans* (-10) over Buffalo Bills
Detroit Lions (-4) over Jacksonville Jaguars*
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+1.5) over Oakland Raiders*
Atlanta Falcons* (-4) over Dallas Cowboys