If you’re like me, and every good, self-respecting American, you can’t have any fun watching this damn, marquee-matchup Super Bowl unless you’ve got some of your livelihood riding on some absurd periphery aspect of the game that you really have no clue about. Yes, I’m talking about Super Bowl Prop bets, the most fun you’ve had flushing money down the toilet since you went HAM in the Apple App Store on your brand new iPhone! Because, this time: hey, the toilet might spit your money back up, with even more money!
Here are some of the most peculiar bets, which you should bet on if only to see your family and friends’ reactions to your impassioned chants for Beyonce to flaunt what her momma gave her! (You aren’t a pervert if you bet on it!)
From BetOnline.ag, a very good site to use if this sorta thing was legal and didn’t turn your favorite uncle into your favorite one-legged uncle.
This is where you’ve gotta recruit your non-football-loving friends. Do you know any die-hard Beyonce fans? Has she tamed her act since motherhood? I’m not the one to ask, here, but, hey, in this economy you can’t knock the hustle. If you’ve got the low-down on this, get that lunch money!
SB Nation pointed out one strangely-priced prop that seems like a lock! (Betting 101: If it seems like a lock, it’s probably not.) Then again, sometimes it actually is!
From Bovada.lv, not the greatest site to use if this sorta thing was legal and didn’t turn your favorite uncle into your favorite one-legged uncle. But then again, who cares about which toilet you flush your money down!
SB Nation had the line at 1.5 with some heavy juice on the over, but it looks like the oddsmakers wised up and upped the total to 2, even more heavily juiced on the over. It seems hard to believe that this won’t go over, but who knows?
My one bit of advice: if you’re gonna bet on these, go for some big scores rather than something you think is a “lock.” You’ll have more fun hoping for your $10 to turn into $30 than praying your $100 gets you $25. Unless you’ve got inside info (and that’s insider trading!) or really research this stuff, it’s tough to beat the odds. Have some fun. Don’t be the guy who gets cute and bets on this:
From 5dimes.eu, a fantastic site to use if this sorta thing was legal and didn’t turn your favorite uncle into your favorite one-legged uncle.
Don’t bet $5,850 to win $1 on this, America, I beg of you. If you do, it WILL happen. This is how the GAMBLING GODS work.
Have some fun. Choose your side in the BATTLE OF BACKUP RUNNING BACKS. Team Edward, or Team That Jacked Guy? Team Dude From Temple Who Is Actually Kinda Good, vs. Team Guy You Actually Know Because He Went To Oregon?
Here are a few more HARBOWL props from Bovada, because they are brothers, with shared blood, trying to rip each other’s genetically-similar throats out on national television! What a country we live in, guys!
Yes, these are real. And yes, you will probably bet on that postgame handshake one, you worthless human being (OK I’m talking to myself). I mean, they’re competitive, they’ll get in-and-out, right? It’ll be the under! But wait, they’re nice guys, right? They’ll hug it out and cut into the “The Craig Ferguson Super Bowl Special,” which I’m pretty sure is a thing that’s on after the game. GAMBLING IS HARD.
Just remember, America. THERE ARE NO LOCKS IN GAMBLING. Unless, of course, you are betting on the coin toss landing tails. Tails never fails. Ever. (Except last year, when I bet my life savings on it. But I’m going double-or-nothing this year.)
Good luck, and may you lose your money with dignity, efficiency, and recover your losses by stealing from homeless people.
Disclaimers: Don’t steal money from homeless people unless gambling has rendered you even more homeless than your victim. And don’t actually bet on sports, cuz that’s illegal!