The Wall Street Journal Actually Suggests That Tim Tebow Is Too Jacked To Play Quarterback

  • Dylan Murphy

Tim Tebow is a large person: ESPN lists him at 6-3, 236 pounds. Just check out the pecs on that manly bro. According to reports, Tebow bulked up to 250 this past offseason, making him even more manlier and bro-y. Obviously there is no way to confirm this other than sticking him on a scale ourselves, but we’ll assume it to be fact for the sake of argument.

Enter the Wall Street Journal’s Mike Sielski, who suggests that Tim Tebow might not be an effective quarterback because he’s too bulky. If you were looking forward to the subsequent scientific facts possibly supporting such a claim, with science-y words and equations that could prove a cool little theory, you’re looking in the wrong place. In place of factual evidence of any kind relating to Tim Tebow’s physique, we’re left with anecdotal conjecture and lots of reaching.

Let’s start with this:

“That is, at 6 feet 3 and 250 pounds, Tim Tebow may be too big to be an effective NFL quarterback.”

This is an interesting theory that might be worth pursuing. Though it seems unlikely, hard scientific evidence would be nice to give this legs. Let’s see where this goes.

“Tebow has added a dozen pounds of muscle, but the extra armor has done him little good this season with the Jets. His most significant contribution has been as a punt protector; on offense, he has carried the ball 23 times and thrown just three passes, including one on a fake punt.”

Obviously Tebow’s lack of success has nothing to do with his limited and sporadic playing time. I mean, what kind of horseshit quarterback can’t make the Pro Bowl only throwing three passes all season?

“For instance, during his playing career as a running back with the Steelers, ESPN analyst Merril Hoge often heard Hall of Fame coach Chuck Noll tell the team’s quarterbacks to stay out of the weight room. Too much muscle, Noll warned, would stiffen their upper bodies, inhibiting their ability to throw a football with precision and touch.

‘He’d tell them, ‘You’re going to lift yourself right out of this league,'” Hoge said. “Tebow is a big bull, and he’s obviously building himself to become a bigger bull, which favors being a bull. It doesn’t favor being a quarterback. Getting bigger is not helping him.'”

You see, Chuck Noll came to these conclusions with his GIANT STOPWATCH and can-do attitude. Also, concussions are not a real thing.

Second also: ALWAYS trust coaches who rely on gut feeling. ALWAYS. Andy Reid and Norv Turner do it all the time, and look how well things have turned out for them.

“Since 2002, just three quarterbacks who weighed at least 250 pounds have started games in the NFL: Daunte Culpepper, JaMarcus Russell and Byron Leftwich. None had a career winning record as a starter.”

Right, because everyone who weighs 236 pounds has an identical body type. And Dante Culpepper was a Pro Bowl player when healthy, so there’s that.

“Donovan McNabb, who played for three teams over his 13 years in the NFL, tried to bulk up for the same reason Tebow did: self-preservation. A mobile quarterback himself, he weighed 223 pounds when the Philadelphia Eagles drafted him in 1999 and finished his career last season at 240 pounds. As he aged, his right shoulder would tighten over the course of each season because of the weight, and the heavier he became, the more mobility he sacrificed. Hence, the more hits he took.”

Also of note: as Donovan McNabb aged, HE AGED. When people get older, their bodies break down. If we’re in the business of wild conjectures, I’ll venture to say that his shoulder tightened because of the wear and tear of being an NFL QB for 13 seasons.

“Nevertheless, it is fair to wonder whether any time that wasn’t devoted to correcting [Tebow]’s greatest weaknesses as a quarterback—his accuracy and ability to read complex defenses, the fundamentals of the position—was time well spent.”

Wait, I thought he sucked at quarterback because he was too bulky? Now it’s because he didn’t focus on practicing the position enough? Or maybe it’s possible that Tim Tebow sucks because Tim Tebow sucks. No? Right, logic is blasphemy.


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