Apparently very upset about the NHL Lockout, Edmonton Oilers enforcer Ben Eager got into a pub fight and was charged with assault early Saturday morning.
The man he beat up was a Canadian blogger named Michael Murray (at least according to Murray, that was the case). You don’t mess with an enforcer, because he’ll beat you up. You don’t mess with a blogger, because he’ll blog about it. Both men made these critical mistakes, and it culminated in Eager’s arrest and Murray’s blog post, which accompanied his sore, spit-sprayed skin. Check out the whole post here.
Anyhow, like every Saturday night, I was at the Quail and Firkin on Yonge Street drinking a half liter of white wine while playing my Scratch N’ Win tickets…
Not helping the blogger stereotype, Murray! I personally play Boggle at home with FOUR PBRs, a glass of milk and seven Saltines!
seeing me scratching and not winning, derisively said to his buddy, “ Look, Elvis Costello there is hoping to win some cash for his next drink!”
I am too young to know if this joke is funny. I will assume Ben Eager levied a dumb insult at a lowly BLOGGER. Just walk away, Michael! Haven’t you seen him do this to a man much larger than you?
But no, Murray, tired of hearing the cowardly-blogger stereotype stood up for his ilk.
“Jager Bombs, good choice,” I said, “the gold flecks make it classy.”
NHL enforcers drink jager bombs. In other news, humans have skin.
“You gotta problem, besides being you, I mean?” There was a high-five followed by the big dude putting the littler dude in a headlock, both of them letting out a beer ad yell, and then another round of shooters.
“Look, I’m just trying to scratch n’ win here, okay?” but instead of looking away after I spoke, I looked right at them and held their gazes. I was almost finished my half- liter of wine. Feeling pretty confident.
This will go well!
“Do you know who I am?” the big guy asked.
The classic tough-guy line.
The smaller but still huge guy said, “ He plays in the NHL, he led the league in penalty minutes in 2006-07. An Oiler. He could buy and sell you, low rent man. A chick flashed him at a game. He’s a stud.”
If that actually happened, my goodness. Still, RUN AWAY! He will buy you and sell you, low rent man! PLEBIAN-BLOGGER TRAFFICKING is legal in Canada!
“You were in my hockey pool last year! It was like a dead pool, only for guys we thought were in the closet!”
And there goes the blogger, stooping to the level of the enforcer, trying to insult him with a homophobic insult! Maybe it’s a Canadian saying that means “you stink at hockey?” Like, hey Roberto Luongo, you’re so in the closet that you couldn’t stop that easy slapshot! You’re the worst!”
No way Murray’s getting punched in the face!
At this point NHL enforcer Ben Eager slapped me really hard across the face, knocking me to the ground. He then spit on me. It landed on the back of my head, I think. A bouncer charged over to break-up the altercation and was immediately beaten to a pulp by Eager. It was ugly and the police were called, whereupon both Eager and his brother were charged with assault.
Ah, so he wasn’t punched in the face! Merely slapped by a grown man. An overgrown man, you might say.
A big negative-one to enforcers all over the globe, for slapping a poor blogger. And a big negative-one for bloggers all over the globe, for the easily-preventable beatdown and the homophobic comment! Those GREEDY BLOGGERS HAVE NO SOULS.
There’s a good chance none of this ever happened, or at least that the story was exaggerated by Murray. But the point still stands: when the NHL is locked out, everybody loses. Just take the 12 beers each already!