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Russian Cocaine Smuggler Plays Chilean Soccer By Day, Sleeps In Jail Cell By Night

Maksim Molokoedov (or Молокоедов Максим Алексеевич for our Russian readers, since I know you follow my every move, Anna Kournikova), has one year left on a three-year prison sentence he got for “attempting to smuggle six kilos of cocaine inside children’s books.” Nice catch, Chilean authorities! The blow’s in here, Sam I Am. It’s where you least suspect it, inside Green Eggs and Ham!

He was arrested in Chile, where he’s serving his time. Once he got to prison, he schooled some fools on the pitch. Schooled ‘em so bad that the coach of the national team heard about it.

Now that’s scouting.

Inmates began offering him deodorant and a bar of soap to be treated to a few minutes of his dribbling skills and brutal right-footed shot. Word got around about “El Ruso.” It reached Chilean national coach Claudio Borghi, who said Molokoedov was good enough to go pro. It also reached Franklin Lobos, a former Chilean professional player who volunteers at prisons and who vouched for the Russian.

Before he could say “nyet,” his skin was clean, his sweat was protected against, and he was worthy of a Promethean nickname: “The Russian.” And somehow, he was signed by second-division club Santiago Morning.

With almost a year still to go on his sentence, Molokoedov does not yet qualify for Sunday passes or the daily passes many inmates get after they complete most of their term. But starting in late July, the warden began letting him leave the prison grounds to play soccer as long he was accompanied by a guard.

“It’s an exceptional situation that has to do with Maxim’s sporting abilities,” said Max Laulie, a spokesman for Chile’s prison police.

Such an arrangement would be difficult to imagine in countries with zero tolerance for drugs such as Singapore, Malaysia or Iran, where traffickers often get the death penalty or at least a lengthy prison term.

Traffic drugs in Singapore, die. Traffic drugs in Chile, score a soccer deal. Traffic drugs in Russia… fit in?

“We’re not trying to defend this practice but the objective behind it, which is rehabilitating people, in this case someone who has a shot at becoming a professional soccer player,” said Laulie. “The prison’s system defends this opportunity to reintegrate him into society. We just hope he does well.”

In his debut game, Molokoedov scored two goals against top division team C.D. Palestino.

This shows the interesting dichotomy between prison systems’ objectives of rehabilitation and punishment. You can certainly make a legitimate argument for letting him play, as many countries would. But still, that ish crazy. Ain’t it, Chil-e?

But wait, there’s more. So many people get arrested in Chile that this lucky, lucky man also had the chance to go home.

Molokoedov could have returned to Russia this month. An amnesty law recently took effect to free up overcrowded prisons by sending prisoners to their home countries on the condition they don’t return to Chile for at least a decade.

Molokoedov chose to stay and play soccer for the Santiago Morning, which on Tuesday announced his official transfer from FK Pskov 747 had cleared, allowing him to play in tournaments in Chile. The club has declined to say how much he is paid.

So a guy would rather sleep in jail than in Russia. Nice ship you’re running over there, Putin.

Here’s what Maksim had to say for the haterz who wanted to know why he was staying in Chile.

“My life is here and I want to do things well,” he said.

That’s the greatest answer of all time to anyone who questions your life decisions.

Why won’t you get a job and move out of the house, son? My life is here and I want to do things well. Why don’t you want to go to see the new Channing Tatum movie with me? My life is here and I want to do things well. Why are you in this bed with my wife, asshole? My life is here and I want to do (dirty) things (to your wife) well.

Though it could also have something to do with the fact that he has the BEST DEAL IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. He’s a professional athlete with free bodyguards, food and shelter. Law-abiding is overrated. Remind me to go bring some cocaine to Chile sometime. They’re so chill, ay! (Yes, that’s two Chile puns in one article. Go cry about it. Or kill me in Chile and have your wildest dreams come true.)

[Dirty Tackle, AP, image via]

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