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They’ve finally found a way to get the ball to Dez Bryant: throw it three feet in front of him.
Now remember, son: Football isn’t about whether you win or lose. It’s not even about which teams are playing. It’s not even about the team you’d prefer to root for. It’s about how much I hate the Dallas Cowboys. Fuck Dallas.
Here’s what you might have forgotten during the NFL season: Not every game is good. In fact, some are very, very bad. As the 2013 season began in earnest yesterday, we saw a few examples of how a combination of opening day nerves and general sloppiness can lead to dismal performances (Jets-Bucs and Steelers-Titans, for example). But the night cap between the Giants and Cowboys in Dallas topped — or, more suitably, bottomed — them all.
Welcome to “Pretty Much Screwed,” our definitive guide to the upcoming NFL season. This team-by-team preview details why your favorite franchise might have to start looking forward to next year — but highlights at least one reason for you to be hopeful. Today: our Matt Rudnitsky tells you why the Dallas Cowboys will continue to suck.
How dare you, Travis Johnson, mock the man who has kept NFL fans so endlessly entertained for the past nine years?
Total. Domination. Here’s your solution to the severe lack of football in your life.
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dee/All Of You Cowboys Please Listen To Me
Sucking On Candy Is Harmful For You
Just Suck On The Field As You Usually Do