Derek Jeter and the New York Yankees called a press conference for 5 p.m. today, and the Twitter-verse exploded with theories on the subject matter. The prevailing theory: DEREK JETER IS RETIRING OMG R.I.P. JETE LUV U BRO HUG FOR U. Also considered: He would not return this year. Turns out, that’s not why we gathered here today.

In a bad week at the hot corner, 3B/SS Hanley Ramirez hurt his thumb in Tuesday’s World Baseball Classic championship and is out for at least two months. He becomes the third 3B to suffer an injury in the tournament, a development that has made drafting the hot corner in Fantasy Baseball a very different proposition. His dual eligibility may cause a ripple effect at both positions in drafts.

Gotta say, a little disappointed that we had to wait until season 11 of Family Guy for a Derek Jeter gay joke, considering the show’s heavy New England influences (it takes place on Rhode Island, and its creator, Seth MacFarlane, once made a movie about a talking bear who has a Boston accent). Also disappointed that said joke somehow didn’t employ this famous photo. With that said: quite a month for haters of El Capitán, what with the Fat Derek Jeter controversy and all. [Via tipster Diamond Joe]

Last week, the New York tabloids got a hold of some unflattering photos of the city’s favorite swashbuckling shortstop, Derek Jeter. Jeter, who has a long and storied history of bedding starlets and being handsome, looked like he had put on a few pounds as he recovered from ankle surgery.

Derek Jeter broke his ankle in Game 1 of the ALCS, an injury that required surgery. Since that surgery, he’s had considerably less options at the gym. Still: damn, Derek Jeter.

You probably didn’t think Donald Trump could work himself into the Derek Jeter broken ankle conversation. You probably didn’t think Donald Trump could blame Derek Jeter’s injury on Derek Jeter. You probably didn’t think Donald Trump was the all-powerful karma master. He has done or is all these things.

So much action last night that you missed because you were busy going out and seeing friends and living life. Luckily, I don’t do any of that. I’m a recluse for you, dear readers. I stay home and recap big stories so you can live the life I’ll never have. Enjoy the fruits of my labor and read about what happened Saturday night in the sports world.

Pete Rose is the all-time hits leader with 4,256 hits, and there are rumblings throughout baseball that Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter just might have a chance to break that record. It’s a remote (im)possibility, because Jeter, at age 38, only has 3,304 career hits. If he even hopes to approach Rose’s record, he’ll have to average approximately 188 hits over the next five seasons.

Even though the Yankees beat the Red Sox 5-4 Wednesday night to maintain a first-place tie in the AL East, it wasn’t all pretty for the struggling Bombers. Derek Jeter has added injury to insult to injury. It isn’t pretty, Yankee fans.

Skip Bayless said just about the most ridiculous thing on First Take Wednesday morning. And that’s by Skip Bayless standards. Now, Skip wasn’t accusing (god forbid he was being accusatory), but merely insinuating that Derek Jeter (that Derek Jeter, the one you’re thinking of) is using performance-enhancing drugs. Because if Victor Conte says PED use is rampant, it must be true!