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Welcome to “Pretty Much Screwed,” our definitive guide to the upcoming NBA season. This team-by-team preview details why it’s probably not your favorite team’s year. Now let’s check out the Orlando Magic, who will be fighting hard all season for the number one seed. In the draft. I think it’s called the first draft pick.
Gilbert Arenas is on the books for $22 million and change from the Orlando Magic in 2013, making him the third highest-paid player in the NBA. He currently plays in China. So I decided to put together a respectable NBA starting five for less than the price of one Gilbert Arenas.
Hard to tell what’s going on here, exactly: there’s the woman in pink, a blonde sitting a row behind and a security official at the Hawks-Magic game on Saturday night. Something happened that has the woman in pink on her feet and pointing an angry finger at the blonde. Then, the calm before the storm: everyone sits down, no pointing, no yelling. The security guard addresses the blonde now, and she and her beau eventually stand up to leave. But on their way out of the row, chaos. The woman in pink starts whaling on the blonde, the blonde whales back, and the cameraman starts hooting like a crazy person. (Skip to 1:40 for the fight.)
OK, As Far As Marriage Proposals At Sports Events Go, This One Was Pretty Clever (UPDATE: No More Video)
Marriage proposals at sporting events happen often. They do not always end well. But they’re usually not, to our knowledge, executed as well as the one you see above. Well done to all involved here. [That NBA Lottery Pick]
Chris Webber’s X’s And O’s Telestrator Breakdown Of A Guy Who Won’t Give A Girl Ice Cream Is Fantastic
On some level, we get it: mint chocolate chip. Hard to let go of that puppy, girlfriend or not. But she is pissed, forced to just sit there, staring at that melty behemoth. When she makes her initial approach with the tiny, tiny, spoon, she gets the old cone sidestep. Not in this bro’s house, lady. But c’mon, ice cream bro. Look at that spoon! It’s miniature. The most she can scoop is .08% of your ice cream. You gotta share, if only not to incur girl(friend) wrath.
Dwight Howard must have discovered a select few Magic fans whose hearts he hadn’t yet broken. People who clung to the notion that Superman’s best days were in the past, with them. Well, they had one thing right: he kicks ass at basketball when he plays in Orlando.
LeBron James Finally Hit His First Go-Ahead Basket With Less Than 10 Seconds Left In A Game Since Joining The Heat
It took him almost three years (and nine failed tries), but LeBron James has finally flashed some clutch prowess in South Beach. With their 15-game winning streak in danger of ending at the hands of the lowly Orlando Magic, down 96-95 James hit a layup with 3.2 seconds left, putting the Heat up for good, 97-96.
You had me at, “You don’t really like to play defense with your face, folks.”