The Lehman High School Lions have never played a home game. Now, any home game they play will be on an 80-yard football field.

Former Florida Gator and current Oakland Raider Louis Murphy was arrested for possession of performance-enhancing drugs early on Sunday morning. But they’re not the kind of performance-enhancing drugs you’re thinking of (badum-ching!).

William Tyler Black, a 28-year-old substitute teacher from Florida, was arrested by Sarasota police after walking into a Walmart, picking up a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue from the magazine section, and proceeding to masturbate in the store’s toy aisle “to completion.”

Let’s chalk this into consideration for the Hyperbole Hall of Fame: the most ridiculous way to start a forest fire.

Bowling is fun enough that this thought has probably crossed more than a few minds: “I wish I could just bowl, and never have to do anything else.” Well, a Plano, Texas man named Stephen Shanabrook recently took this idea to its logical extreme.

To borrow a phrase from SportsGrid’s own Colby Hall: yes, this exists.

In a bizarre instance of meme-meets-sporting-event, the Mariners are having a “Cheezburger Night” on June 3rd. The “highlights” of the promotion include a free Happy Cat bobblehead, and a pre-game happy hour so you can good and sauced before you realize that you just got a Happy Cat bobblehead at a Mariners game.